Hello (A Short Story)

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Short Stories

I had been visiting Maine on business. It had been a beautiful average winter here, until I arrived. The night I came in, a huge whiteout kind of blizzard occured. I sat in a bar near my hotel, trying to keep warm. It was an old place, very simple design. It had only one tv, and it was playing some odd drama show that I'd never heard of before. At least it was warm.
A very tall man nearly knocks the door down with his arrival. He was mid-thirties at least, but I wouldn't be surprised if he told me he were forty. He was nearly six and a half foot tall, at least. He had a dark hair, and a dark beard. Despite his dark hair, his eyes were light blue. They stould out tremendously against the rest of his facial features. He was nearly frozen to death. You could tell because you could barely even see his face, and his facial hairs had ice caught in them. "Help me! Please! Someone please help me!" he sobbed, most everyone looked at him as if her were insane, but having value in everyones life, I asked what was wrong. "My family and I...we were in a car crash. The way the car landed, only I could get out. My wifes legs are crushed and my daughter is trapped in the back seat...you must help me, please!"
I went with him; but so did two other guys. They looked like they were early twenties, younger than I am at least. They also looked very similar; maybe twins, at least brothers. They were both tall, muscular, they both had brown hair and green eyes. I thought that was strange.
We took the supposive "brothers'" car. I'm glad I wasn't driving; I couldn't tell the road from the ditch. Then again, they were used to this kind of weather, as opposed to me, who has only seen snow maybe three times my whole life.
The area of this town was rural already; but as the strange tall man told the brothers which way to go, it became even more rural and deserted by the second. The roads twisted and turned, curved and swurved, it seemed like it was going to be an eternity before we got there. How long had this man been walking?
The setting was peculiar. There were trees taller than my house on both sides of the road; various types of trees but the most common was pine. It gave the mood an eerie touch.
I was begining to become so bored, I started to watch my breath. Even with the heat on in the car, when I exhaled I could faintly see the warmth of my breath in the air.
We finally arrived at the crash site, the two other men started mumbling to themselves. I only caught tail ends of conversations like "Should we really be here?" and "We need to get them away." it was very strange, but I thought maybe it was just a bad part of town. What conflicted with that theory is that we were basically in the middle of nowhere. A simple two-laned road surrounded by woods on both sides.
When we came in sight of the car, it was almost completely under snow. Immidiately, we all started digging the snow up. When we got to a door, we ripped it off to find nobody in the car. At first, I thought the man was insane, but he started crying with worry.
"They're gone! How could they be gone? My life is ruined! What am I going to do? My daughter was only 9 years old! Just 9!..." he continued to babble on like that for a while.
Once I tuned him out, I was trying to think logically. If the girls got out of the car, its likely there's footprints somewhere near. I circle the car repetitively; no footprints other than my own. The snowing could've easliy covered them up in a matter of minutes though, so it wasn't that strange.
I caught another sentence or so in the other guys conversation "you're right. We need to get them out of here...."
One of the men walk over to us and he announces "Ok, we have to go. Its not safe here."
I said nothing, but the other man didn't "How can I just leave? My whole world is gone and you're telling me to just leave it?"
"Sir, I apologize for your losses, but this area isn't safe...there's things in these woods...you need to come with us."
That only made the man more mad; it made me curious "What kind of things?" The man asked.
"Things you don't understand. Things that can kill you, easily." The young man looked as serious as he possibly could've at the moment, his voice smooth and understanding, calm and gentle.
The argument was suddenly broken by a scream that could shatter glass if we had one that wasn't already.
The man perked up "That's my daughter she needs me!" He dropped his shovel and immidiately went running into the woods.
I started to pick his shovel up and follow him, but the young man and his brother grabbed my shoulders. "You don't want to go with him, its not safe. Trust us, please."
I gave them a sad and understanding look, but jerked away from there grasp and ran off. That man must have been a fast runner, because he was nowhere within my sight. I followed him and a fast jog by his footprints. Eventually, I came to a clearing, and a steep hill. I look up the hill, to see the man standing about two feet in front of what I assumed was his daughter. She looked like him. She had long blonde hair, fair skin, same body shape. She was staring at her dad, her head cocked sideways, then lunged at his throat. She bit his neck, and he fell to the ground dead. His blood spilt everywhere on the white snow. As if I could feel any colder, a chill ran down my spine.
The girl came down the hill, her head down low, I couldn't see her face, but her feet weren't touching the ground. When she arrived about two feet in front of me, she looked up. I noticed one thing she didn't have in common with her dad; it was her eyes. They glowed a flourecent bluy-gray. She cocked her head sideways, and smiled. "Hello." she said sweetly, then lunged at my throat just as she did her dads.
I didn't notice it until I figured out I was still breathing, but when she jumped at me, I put my shovel up at my neck. We fell to the ground, but I was still in one piece. She was hissing in my face, her eyes glowing, fangs shining. I heard a loud cracking noise. The shovels neck was breaking. Just as it snapped, the girl flew off me and into a tree. I look up half in shock, to see the two young men growling at her. I stood ther in pure astonishment.
One of the brothers looked at me, threw their car keys and said "Go! Run! To the car! Don't worry about us! Never look back!"
I ran away as fast as I could and did what they said. Exactly what they said, only I dropped their car and left the keys in the front seat. I hope the car didn't get stolen but I really had no time. I got in my car and left. Needless to say, I haven't been to Maine lately.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I was writing this as if I were an early thirties woman. I would love to have feedback.!(:

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Vixen's picture

Creative

Hey Victoria! It's good to be back and reading from one of my favorite writers... This was a brilliant story... For a girl of 15 ( or 14? ), this is a genius! See, it actually held my attention. You wrote it the way a story should be written... IT BUILDS UP...thus, your reader won't be losing interest...

I can see that this was about vampires? This particular town in Maine must have them? The way you described the events was seamless and clear to the reader... However, I think adding a bit of description about the place in details would give the reader a more vivid picture of the whole story... Like naming a particular place in Maine too,--known to have a history of vampire-like attacks... Or you could make a fictional town somewhere in Maine because the people from Maine in general might not like this portrayal of their place. Then you could add on the author's note about the fictional place and characters. It would be great to describe yourself too ( this will make the reader connect with their heroine), a bit of your feelings while drinking at the bar, a little about your surroundings before the man bursted in. You described the very tall man and his snowed beard but around what age? These are essential things that can be added to tweak the imagination of the reader.
The travel to the site of the wreckage was omitted. How did you get there? By your
car? The brothers' car? Did you notice the brothers earlier at the bar? What was the scenery and feelings, conversations, anything that add mystery to the story before arriving to the site of the crash? it would have been lovely to have described the thick woods and dark roads, etc... another loose end I noticed was when one of the brothers threw his car key to you... Did you mean you arrived at the site in their car? Your oversight on how you got there may have been neglegeable but at the mention of their car key thrown to you got me thinking you shared a ride with them? And then you left Maine straight in their car?
Anyway, this was a short story and you were able to come up with an interesting
one... I couldn't have written one like this... This was a really nice story Victoria. I can see that you will be a good writer one day and that I will be begging your autograph! :)


Shye

“ Let the beauty of what you love be what you do."
                                                   ~ Rumi

seastar3372's picture

Oh and this story, i wasn't

Oh and this story, i wasn't sure if I wanted it to be about vampires, or soul-suckers as I call them (there's a technical name, I couldn't tell you it at the moment, but I read it in a book once.) But since I couldn't decide, I decided to let the readers make their own assumptions. Same as when the question I even asked myself. "What happened to the mother?" "Is that actually his daughter," and if so, "What happened to her? Cuz obviously she didn't have glowing eyes, fangs, or the taste for people." I like making people on the edge of their seat, giving enough information to make you hungry for more, but leaving without enough to tell you every single detail. Makes you come back for more(: even if its a bit irratating. xD

seastar3372's picture

Thank you vixen, im going to

Thank you vixen, im going to work on that now(: Thank you for your compliments...you should read my other short stories!!!! There's nothing more Ive than feedback(: & I'm 15, but I wrote this when I was thirteem actually and found it, and immidiately posted it. I should've edited first i suppose... xD