PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

OK, I probably like this one the most of all your poems.

First point, I think (for me) this is probably because of some really great imagery you have in here:

"So forget about it. Through up your little white flag and quit.
And through our gunsmoke you'll see, why I am me."

This creates the image in my head of the abstract defiance that I can FEEL running throughout your poem, but up until now I have lacked a physical point of reference. Robert Frost always began with the physical, as it is where most of our ruminations begin, before we consider higher things. Now, after this image, I have a PICTURE in my head that almost summarises what your saying. Some kind of Civil War-era last stand, something like that for me. Do you see? So, never be afraid to sprinkle a decent measure of imagery through your poetry - I would argue it acts as a sensory lynchpin for our wandering human minds.

Second point: try to avoid spelling mistakes. I realise it's not all that easy (said correcting scripts), but putting your poem through Word before publication takes no time at all and just gives your work a more "professional", let's say, look. So for example, change "convinve" to convince, "Through" to Throw.

Third point; be wary of the length of lines. All poetry is, to generalise hugely, governed by metrical schemes that affect how we say, and feel, the rhythm of the lines. Unless you feel that long lines are your thing, which is fine, I again would advise caution. Why? Well having lines that are too long can reduce impact, for example:

"Don't hold your breath, you might catch death waiting for a change."

Could be better presented as:

Don't hold your breath.
You might catch death
Waiting for a change.

You see what I mean? (I also added a full stop here to emphasise the lack of breath, the finality of the idea). Of course, this is a personal choice! But I would like to see closer syntactical control. For a masterclass that I am still marvelling at, see Sivus' "The Former in White". Or read Paradise Lost by John Milton. Also, don't forget the power of a well-placed enjambement or line break-up, as I do at one point in "Don't Despair, Little Bear" - on purpose, for effect obviously.

Fourth point, and one that is linked to awareness of line length; metrical awareness. Metre is your friend. He likes you. He tends to hide because he is shy, just behind your lines, but he is still very much a amicable kind of chap. There's a reason why Shakespeare wrote in pentameter - it's supposedly the most natural metre to use in the English language. In French, it's the hexameter or Alexandrine. Metrical lengths have different qualities that you can use to your advantage - trimeter (di-DUM di-DUM di-DUM) is a very skippy, fast beat for example. Also, different combinations of feet can be used - your regular iamb, anapests (di di DUM), trochees (DUM di) etc.... Wikipedia tends to explain this better than me. Metre is the background sound that you can tie to your content to emphasise, or even undermine what your saying. Trip out on ambiguity!

Fifth point, punctuation can do the same as metre. Full stops are the end, lots, of, commas, can, uh, indicate, high emotions, of some, sort.

Sixth, and final point; you can even think of how your words present themselves phonetically. Consonance can add so, so much to what you're saying. All letters have a purpose. "d" s, for example, often end (en - duh) things. "g" is a guttural sound, very powerful (as are plosives), and explosives, very crude. "x" is.... awkward!!!

I really like this poem, but yes, you can make it better. I really hope you find this constructive! And, please, keep posting.