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Little Girl Fears

April 2004

Night reluctantly released its hold on the sky

I watched the sun rise

Cold and crisp, the air had not yet felt its warmth

I stood drinking my first cup of coffee

Smoking my first cigarette of the day

A woman

Close to 40

Self possessed

In control

Confident as that sun making its way up the sky

But She waits.

Calling out, demanding to be heard

Sometimes foot stomping

Sometimes screeching

Sometimes crying

But always, always demanding

And she was ignored

Quiet mornings give way to traffic

And silence- golden, is only an after thought

Morning radio celebrities argue and poke fun

At better known celebrities in the public eye

They seem so grand, beyond reproach and judge

Just as God will do

But who will judge me

For ignoring her

The foot stomping

The screeching

The crying

Turning deaf ear to the little girl whimpers

Little girl fears?

Busy days in the office are a blessed distraction

Meetings, papers shuffled, emails replied

No time to think about what I’d left behind

Another coffee, a cigarette break

Just what I needed

To forget that

Foot stomping

Screeching

Crying

Demands to be heard

Travelling home I know

She waits.

Calling out,

Demanding to be heard

Sometimes foot stomping

Sometimes screeching

Sometimes crying

But always, always demanding

Demanding to be heard

I’d do anything

Anything to forget

Anything to excuse

Anything not to cry

Or admit

That little girl fears

Haunt me

And demand to be heard

Validated

Hushed

Soothed and

Put to rest

For what would they think

Of a woman

Close to 40

Self possessed

In control

Confident as that sun making its way up the sky

If they knew

That I'm Scared

Of failing

Of not being perfect

Of being left behind

Of being all alone

Of being lost

Of being forgotten

Of not being loved

Because I am

worthless

Stupid

ugly

clumsy

And so I close the door

On that little girl

Ignore her

Turn my back

Night chases Daylight away

Shadowing us

Covering up secrets

She again is silenced

For awhile

Silenced by crickets that sing

And I sip my wine

Smoke my last cigarette of the day

Watch the moon rise

Happy for the distraction