A red balloon sailing just out of reach,
An express train barreling down the tracks,
Orcas snatching sea lions from the beach,
Unfortunate souls falling through the cracks.
I think of it all at each end of day
And sigh with relief just to hear you breathe.
Still, I know my luck is just for today –
The fates, like the oceans, will often seethe.
Just when will they descend upon my door
And effervesce you away without thought?
Yes, you said you’d always be here, you swore,
But too often such words are all for naught.
Were it as simple as my choosing to
I’d evade the everyday losing you.
Author's Notes/Comments:
Although written March 15, 2014, this poem went unseen until my “Love Has Won” collection finally was ready for release on yet another 30 – December 30, 2014. I had the title in my mind in the months leading up to its writing and knew it would be a particularly special piece. It was a challenge to compose myself when it finally poured out of me, to not break the stream of emotions and words. My fear of abandonment, which stems from childhood trauma, is so great that I live through it every day in my mind – hence the title. Everyone has hang-ups, but only some of us dare to face them and ponder.
In the time between its being written and its release I lost an acquaintance to suicide and a cherished friend to cancer. My dog died, my relationship with my father ended permanently, and I made a special friend who promised to be there for me forever but who would ultimately abandon me, coldly. It's as though I could feel it all coming in my bones.
