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There are many things that I am thankful for,

Some are good, some are bad.

But they all happened to me for one reason or another.

The reason I may never know,

nor is it important why they happened.

Simply that they did happened.

 

I try to live my life as openly and honestly as I can.

I feel it is the only way to be.

Yet this does come with inherent risks.

In a world where lies and deceit are common,

where hiding in the darkness is the norm.

Living in the light is, well difficult.

That is not to say all in darkness are bad.

Some who dwell there are refining themselves, like a diamond.

Others are just lost.

And yet some who act as though they are in the light,

are dwelling in their own pocket of darkness.

 

I say all that for one reason.

That I myself am not perfect.

I have at times hid in the darkness,

I found the light too bright and assaulting.

There were parts of me that I didn’t understand or want.

Parts of myself I denied and hated.

And some of them I still hate.

But I made a choice this year to find out who I am.

What do I stand for?

The only thing I have learned is that I have a long way to go.

Everyday further defines and refines who I am.

It changes me in small minute ways,

that are unperceivable till they have grown.

But, as far as that goal to find out who I am.

I think I have an answer.

 

And the best way to put it is,

I am me, the total of my interpretation of the events that have happened to me. 

The more I dwell on them the more they change. 

Only at the last moment of my life will I be able to know who I am.

So I will have to wait for my answer.

But I have set in motion a task that will span many years,

and many memories.

So ask me to tell you who I am with my last breath.

 

Now I could list everything that has happened to me and how it has changed my life.

But I don’t have thirty five years to tell you.

So I will give you the cliff notes.

The first thing, the first memory I have is when I was young.

Playing with my family.

I had no idea what life held in store for me. 

The ups and downs.

I knew what was important though.

Spending time with those that I loved.

Ask an adult if they could have dinner with anyone,

and you will get,

Movie stars, musicians, and other famous people.

Now ask a child the same?

You get mom and dad.

There are some many other things that we have added

to life and we view them as important.

But what really matters?

Is it what you put in your life, or what you do with it?

Who do you choose to walk with?

Do you surround yourself with possessions and money?

or do you fill your heart with the money of the soul, memories.

So the first thing I am thankful for is,

Memories,

Whether good, bad or somewhere in between my memories have

and will continue to be the compass in which I steer my life.

Should something happen to them,

I would not want them back.

That would only serve to take time away from making new ones.

 

The second thing, and believe it or not is Depression.

It is the constant voice in the back of my mind.

It whispers to me,

You’re not good enough.

Why even try?

Nobody really cares.

It may always be there,

lurking in the back of my mind.

But there is something lurking behind him.

Hope,

she whispers through the darkness of depression.

It’s ok,

whatever it is,

it’s ok,

Get up and keep going.

Hope is like a little light on my shoulder,

she is always there,

but shines the brightest when I am at my darkest.

Over the course of my depression

I have created some beautiful poetry.

I have seen the beauty in stillness.

And my hope is that whenever someone is going through

a difficult time is that they look for the beauty in it.

Find something, anything and see it in all is wonder.

 

Now yes I am thankful for all the usual things,

Family, Shelter, Food, Job, My Car, My Health, etc.

And I do at times tend to overlook them.

But, for the most part I am very cognizant of the blessings and opportunities I have in my life.

But the intent of this is not to focus on the usual things that people are thankful for.

It is to try to find the lost or forgotten things that are equally as important to me.

 

So the third thing I am thankful for is pain.

I am referring to emotional pain,

the type that lingers with you for years.

To some it is no surprise that I have had quite a lot.

But the one thing most do not know is how much that pain has affected me.

There have been many wounds,

many scars and broken limbs.

Yet I endure.

Now my depression would tell you it is out of cowardice,

and inability to make the final choice to end it.

But then all the pain wins.

And that will not happen.

Now you may wonder what pains I am referring to.

Well let me try to explain them.

 

First is the pain of having one dream, one goal.

And yet it is always so far out of reach that I wonder will I ever make it.

To many it is so easy,

Yet for me,

The road is so hard and difficult.

My one goal

Is to have a family of my own.

That’s it, plain and simple.

I know it comes with its share of hard work.

But I know deep down in a part of me that wants to see the light of day

that it is all worth it.

I have had my share of girlfriends and the like,

and the biggest one that sticks out caused the most pain

I have ever felt and endured.

The cuts and broken limbs have long since healed,

leaving scars so big that I alone cannot heal them.

It is such that I have a hard time really connecting to people.

But,

I have found parts of me I didn’t know existed.

 

The second pain is having lost both my primary and secondary career plan.

I had hoped to see the world in the Navy,

And to in four years either make a career out of the Navy

or get out and enter the civilian world as an IT professional.

Both were ripped from me when my depression hit.

I was so afraid of what was going on in my own body and mind

that all I could think about was that moment it hit.

Now, I am no longer hurt by the scars it left.

But I am left with trying to figure out what’s next.

And thirteen years later I am still trying to figure it out.

 

The last of my major pains is the loss of those people that were once in my life.

The friends I once had,

and those I even came to consider family.

The wounds left by their departure have caused

the loss of trust,

A loss of that which I hold dear.

Without trust in those close to you,

you might as well be alone in life.

Now yes I do have family and a few friends.

But for the most part they seem to enter my life quickly and

leave just the same.

With each one a small part of me goes with them.

So much that I wonder how much of me is truly left?

I may never really know.

 

 

 

No you may be asking how can I be thankful for all that?

That who in there right frame of mind would be thankful for so much pain and loss?

Well recall the decision I made for this year.

To find out what it means to be Robert James Black.

For good and bad,

I cannot go forward without knowing where I have been.

The trick is not to stay in the past,

no matter how good it may seem.

 

So this is where I see myself now,

I stand just before the summit of a mountain.

I am weary and worn,

Tired and beaten,

I just want to find an inn and rest for a few days or weeks.

I know there are none back from where I came from.

Nor do I know if there are any ahead of me.

So I trudge on,

Walking through the rain and snow.

hoping to make the best out of what is ahead of me.

Hoping that refuge lies just over the horizon.

So brushing the dust off my boots,

I reaffirm my goal to complete my journey,

and I take one more step followed by the rest of my trip.