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I never would've married my wife if I'd known she's a bitch.

When I put my hand down the garbage disposal to unclog it, she turned on the switch.

She gets violent if I give her any sass.

Last week she beat me with a broomstick and then shoved it up my ass.

I was watching a show that she hates and she smashed the TV screen with a bat.

Then she put arsenic in my coffee and I sure as hell didn't deserve that.

She cut the wrong cable on my car when she thought she was cutting the brake line.

Life would be perfect if I hadn't married this satanic wife of mine.

She's hanging on he edge of the roof because she slipped and if she falls, she will die.

She's begging me to help and I'm asking her why should I?