462 Ways

I was in line at Stop and Shop for longer than usual.
At first staring blankly ahead, I began to catch up on some important women’s issues.

Nail polish! Thigh gap! Please your man!

Did you know there are 462 new ways to do that? 462 new ways to please your man.
16 new sex positions
10 don’ts that are now dos
10 dos that are now don’ts

How to keep him coming back. How to keep HIM from coming back.

What am I supposed to do with my face during sex? TELL me, Cosmo!
What is wrong with me this month?

Wait a minute. 462 ways. Really?
462 ways to please my man.
I call bullshit.
I have seen the magic of mashed potatoes, XBox, and blowjobs.
Don’t tell me you’ve come up with 459 more things.

I mean, we’re not this helpless. Are we?
Jesus, I haven’t checked in a while.
Let’s see what the Q&A section has to say about that.

Halfway to the answer I am blindside by a mustard gas perfume sample,
and suddenly I am confronting one of the lesser reasons I stopped going to church.

Try this: the name is written in cursive
and a shiny lady, she holds the bottle.
Better yet, a shiny man. He looks so sad.

Now listen… I saw the little blurb about Hillary Clinton on page 4.
I saw the survivor story
and the “feminist” Dove soap ad.

But that’s just the problem…
It’s the same old patronizing, belittling, stifling crap now wrapped in
“strong woman” paper,
independence gossamer,
the idea that we are in the driver’s seat of our own self image
but the speedometer is painted on.

22 MORE new sex positions
15 reasons your boyfriend might be running late
12 ways to tell if he’s going to call you back

If you’re going to patronize us, go all the way!

36 sexy ways to put your pants on!
45 reasons high heels are worth permanently fucking up your knees!

How do I know if I like my job?
What’s the best tampon for me?
Where does the penis go?

In ten years I’ll segue into the target audience for
Women’s Day and Redbook.

And I’ll still need to lose weight,
And I still won’t know my ass from my elbow,
And instead of telling me how to meet men,
they’ll be coaching me through a divorce,
and then menopause…

But at least by the last page,
I’ll have a pie.