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I used to fear they would all hate me

If they ever saw underneath

So I hid myself

and I hid my grief

But I had always loved that boy,

Deeper than a brother's love,

Stronger than a companion's bond,

From the moment we met, I was his husband and his guard

He was a fair and beautiful creature

He moved like flowing water

Sinew and muscles rippling

With every step and brush of his hand

We were on the beach that summer

In a cabana his father owned

The balcony door open to let in the sea-scent and the wind

Lying on white silk sheets

Two Greek wrestlers locked, post-combat

Wrapped in each other's arms

And he asked me if I was happy.

I traced the contour of his shoulder

The line of his jaw

With an aimless finger

And I said, "Please don't be mad-

"When I was a child, I was always sad.

I woke up to sorrow and fear,

And fell asleep, overwhelmed, crying to myself:

I did that for years.

But you don't understand

You grew up with nice things,

Nice parents, nice home, always fed, always clothed

How can I explain...?

Once upon a time,

I would stare through dirty windows

And cracked, broken blinds

Watching orange streetlights like stars.

I listened to the Doppler of passing cars

And wished upon them that someone would take me away

But no one ever did.

Now, no matter where I am,

No matter where I go,

When I close my eyes,

I still see the orange lights on cracked sidewalks

Rainy puddles and buzzing wires 

Am I happy...?

Can you forgive me if I say no?"

All was quiet for a while

While he thought

And my own fear was

he was about to leave me

For ruining the magic

But he stood and bent

Slipped his arms under my back,

one under my shoulders, one under my knees

And carried me to the Roman bath

And he washed me

And kissed me

Until I was clean