PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

As I try to develop, to encapsulate the woman who dwells in my mind, I find myself lost. Swaying in the confusion of all the directions I am pulled. Yes, I am the mother, the loving deliborator, the executive of home bodied scraped knee kisses.And Yes, I am the wife. The madam of 5 a.m. wake ups, of ironed uniforms and late night netflix extravaganzas. Maybe, I am a friend. Some distant confused collection of internet posts and short story texts sent cross country to lives that are just to distant. I know myself to be the daughter, though my distance has removed the rose colored glasses of the past.

My distance, illuminating the repressed truths of twenty three years. My distance, pulling my away from the security mitten. Trapped on all sides but one, I ran down the wrist, from lakes to the ocean. From the world of winter, spring, summer, fall to eternal sunshine. Though I ran to be closer to the three lives that truly mattered I have never felt so distant. I forgot that one plus three makes four.

Because at the end of the day I only see that I have spent my life trying to be or not to be. I have spent this precious time putting everything before me. Be it trying to please or evade. Shoving my feelings deep down to the pit of my stomach so everyone else can be happy, while I spend my nights laying awake wondering what this life would be like if I just once said what I wanted of my own free will. Instead of the bile that spews forth when I push one to many things down. If I had said I was scared instead of running away. If instead of trying to save peoples feelings I realized that my feelings were worth being heard. If maybe once I just told someone what I want.

But at the end of the day I don't know me and if I don't know me, then who does? How can I love myself if I don't know and how can they love me if I don't know? And how can I love them if I am trapped in this crisis of self...