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All the Best Poets Sit in the Smoking Section:42
INT – UNIVERSE KARAOKE BAR – STAGE – NIGHT
JOHN is on stage murdering ‘Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.’
JOHN
The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down, of the big lake they call gitchy-goomey...
Karaoke music transforms in the next scene to the original version…
EXT – WILLAMETTE RIVER ESCALADE - NIGHT
TITLE: WILLAMETTE RIVER EAST SIDE ESCALADE. Sunday, August 27, 2000, 11:35pm
The Gordon Lightfoot version of ‘Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ plays.
On the waterfront escalade JEFF wraps EVETTE in his arms and rocks her to the rhythm while they both look out towards the river.
PORTLAND’S BRIDGES are lit up with rose-colored lights.
EVETTE
This is nice.
JEFF
It is.
EVETTE
My last boyfriend—well I should say, ‘the last guy I went out with’—came with a little extra baggage.
JEFF
What sort of baggage?
EVETTE
Well, he sort of forgot to tell me his primary source of income was from selling marijuana. Now I have nothing against pot, but don’t you think a guy should have a little above the table income to rely on?
JEFF
Yeah, how much did he make?
EVETTE
That’s just it, some weeks he would do fine, but other weeks he’d make less than five hundred bucks!
A TEAR forms on JEFF’S cheek.
JEFF (V.O.)
I don’t even clear five hundred dollars in two weeks.
EVETTE
So what sort of baggage do you come with…are there any skeletons hanging in your closet?
JEFF
Other than making a lot less than your dealer ex-boyfriend?
EVETTE
But you’re an artist. If money mattered to artists we wouldn’t have very good art.
JEFF quickly wipes away the tear.
JEFF
I don’t make enough to even have a car.
EVETTE
Next—
JEFF
Um, I was a virgin until about a year ago?
EVETTE seems to ignore JEFF and points into the river.
EVETTE
What’s that?
A BIG CLUMP OF WOOD mysteriously bobs up and down in the current.
JEFF
Debris. Some sort of debris, I guess.
EVETTE
Flotsam and jetsam. I think debris is called ‘flotsam and jetsam’ when it’s in the water.
JEFF
Well it has to specifically come from the ocean to be flotsam and jetsam; sort of like the way a trout has to go to the ocean to be a steelhead.
JEFF (V.O.)(CONT’D)
Dad always taught me some good fish stories.
EVETTE
Well, it’s definitely ocean-bound. It’ll be there eventually!
JEFF
I’ve always wondered, if it’s just one thing, how can it be both flotsam and jetsam?
The BIG CLUMP OF WOOD drifts nearer.
EVETTE
(squinting)
It looks like an old desk or something. Somebody must’ve bought a laptop.
JEFF
And the word debris is spelled with an s at the end, like it’s more than one thing too!
EVETTE
Well if one thing can be described in plural, I don’t see any reason why two things can’t be one, right Jeff?
JEFF
I probably come with debris more than baggage or skeletons.
EVETTE
I think it’s cool.
JEFF
That I come with debris?
EVETTE
Uh, no.
JEFF
What? That I don’t have a car?
EVETTE sarcastically nudges JEFF with her elbow.
EVETTE
Yeah, it’s cool you weren’t ‘deflowered’ by getting an automobile.
JEFF (V.O.)
Unlike John, her elbow feels more like a tickle.
EVETTE
No, silly; it’s cool that you waited this long to have sex.
JEFF’S voice cracks, while whispering.
JEFF
I don’t think I waited long enough.
EVETTE
Well I’ve never exactly been anyone’s first time. Anyway, if I was, that would be a little too much pressure!
JEFF
Well any guy who’s had that rare pleasure, I’m sure would say you are his best. I know I would.
EVETTE
Duh, of course I’d be his best because I’d be his only!
(chuckling)
Besides, this is still our first date.
JEFF
I’m just glad this really is a date! I was thinking that since John came along, that—
EVETTE swiftly places her finger to JEFF’S lips.
EVETTE
Shh, he’s not here now, is he?
JEFF closes his eyes while EVETTE’S finger remains on his lips.
EVETTE (CONT’D)
We better get back.
INT- UNIVERSE KARAOKE BAR – NIGHT
Madonna’s disco karaoke version of ‘American Pie’ is playing on the sound system.
JEFF and EVETTE stroll back into the karaoke bar and return to the same booth.
JEFF looks everywhere except the stage.
JEFF
Do you think John’s still here?
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE (O.S.)
(singing)
…and good ol’ boys were drinking whiskey and rye singin’ this’ll be the day that I diiie!
EVETTE
I don’t think he’d leave without us, would he?
JEFF
Well, we ditched him! Besides with John, anything’s possible.
EVETTE looks up and points to the stage where we see JOHN singing ‘American Pie.’
EVETTE
Anything’s possible—except good singing!
