PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

 

 

 

EXT – SUGAR JACKS PARKING LOT - NIGHT 

 

JOHN and JEFF stand in front of JOHN’S Ford Fiesta

 

JEFF

She gave you head for forty bucks?

 

JOHN

Not exactly.

 

JEFF

But you said you got a BJ?

 

JOHN

And I did.

 

JEFF

Go on…

 

JOHN

Well it wasn’t exactly forty bucks…

 

JEFF

How much did you have to give her then?

 

JOHN opens the car door.

 

JOHN

Well first she said I had to match the house.

 

JEFF gets into the car.

 

JEFF

Oh, so eighty?  That’s reasonable, she was pretty hot.

INT – JOHN’S FORD FIESTA - NIGHT

 

JOHN and JEFF both sit down in the front seat of the Fiesta.

 

JOHN

Well after I matched the house fee, she let me take ‘Big Maurice’ out.

JEFF

Big Maurice?

 

JOHN

Yeah, ‘Big Mo: The Enforcer’.  That’s what I call my dick.

 

JEFF

Huh?

 

JEFF (V.O.)(CONT’D)

Oh God, maybe I don’t want to hear this!

 

JOHN

Maurice Lucas.  Everyone credits Walton, but if Big Mo hadn’t bitch-slapped the Sixers into submission, we would never have won it all back in seventy-seven.

JEFF

Wait a second, how did we get on the subject of basketball?  I thought we were talking about blow-jobs?

 

JOHN smiles fondly and looks to the heavens while reminiscing of the Portland Trailblazers’ lone NBA championship.  

 

JOHN

Number twenty, power forward from Marquette University.

  

JEFF waves his hand in front of JOHN’S eyes attempting to coax him back to the subject at hand.

 

JEFF

Uh, the lap dance?

 

JOHN

Oh yeah.  

 

JOHN puts the car in gear and pulls out of the lot.

 

JOHN (CONT’D)

Well I took him out and he was already standing at six-foot-nine!

 

JEFF

Let me guess, that’s how tall Maurice Lucas is?

 

JOHN

Yeah, well my Mo is actually six-inch-nine.

 

JEFF

Six-inch-nine?  

 

JOHN

Yep, she smiled and looked The Enforcer right in the eye.  Got down on her knees…  

 

JEFF (V.O.)

I’m not sure how much of this I want to believe. 

 

JOHN

But when I motioned for her to touch him she told me that it would be another twenty.

 

JEFF

Oh, so one-hundred?

JEFF (V.O)(CONT’D)

Now we’re way out of my price range—perhaps if she charged by the inch…

 

JOHN

Well, she wanted another twenty to do anything other than rub her knee against him.

 

JEFF

So one-hundred and twenty dollars?  But you said you got a blow job?

 

JOHN

Yeah, she said they were on sale this week for fifty dollars.

 

JEFF

What, they have sales?

 

JOHN

Yeah, after I gave her that twenty, I realized she wasn’t very good at the ol’ Billy Squier thing so I decided to take her up on the BJ.

JEFF (V.O.)

‘The Stroke’ I get it,

JEFF (CONT’D)

Ha ha.  Still, head for fifty bucks is great!

 

JOHN

Well…

 

JEFF looks suspiciously at JOHN.

 

JEFF

But wait, you already paid forty to the house and eighty bucks to her?

 

JOHN

Yeah, well I gave her another fifty for the blow job—I mean, they were on sale!

 

JEFF

Doesn’t sound like much of a sale to me.

 

JOHN

Oh, and five for the rubber, Mo ain’t no Magic Johnson ya know!

 

CUT TO 

 

Archived video clip of Maurice Lucas confronting Magic Johnson on the court.

 

FORD FIESTA

 

JEFF

Five bucks for a condom?  You’d think she would at least pay for that!

  

JOHN

Well she said I had to wear a rubber or it wouldn’t happen.

 

JEFF

Well let’s hear it for Miss Safe Sex Two-Thousand.  So that’s a hundred-and-seventy-five dollars! 

JOHN

Well, not exactly.  See I didn’t have fifty bucks, so I had to give her three twenties.

 

JEFF

She at least gave you change, right?

 

JOHN

No, that’d be tacky!

 

JEFF

So you paid one-hundred-and-eighty bucks for a seven-minute blow job?

 

JOHN

Uh—I guess, I wasn’t keeping track.  Was it really only seven minutes?

 

JEFF

You know that’s about twenty-five dollars a minute, right?

 

JOHN

Well it was supposed to be a half hour show.  But it ends when… well you know, it ends when the guy—

 

JULIE (V.O.)

Orgasms!

 

INT – PINK PONCHO GAY BAR - NIGHT

 

Cut quickly to JULIE at The Pink Poncho, a Southwestern-themed gay bar.  

 

TITLE: PINK PONCHO GAY BAR.  Sunday, August 20, 2000.  1:15am.

 

JULIE

Yep, That’s all he ever had on his mind!

JULIE is talking to her friend ANDY, who dresses in drag and speaks with an effeminate lisp. Tipping the scales at 225 pounds and sporting a five-o’clock shadow, ANDY’S impersonation of feminine comeliness can use a little work.

 

ANDY

It doesn’t matter whether you’re straight or gay, orgasms are what most guys are after!  Oh, except Morrissey—I think that guy practices some sort of Tantric-Scientology or something!

 

JULIE finishes the last gulp of her Cosmopolitan, slaps ANDY on the knee and laughs.

 

JULIE

No, no, sweetie, my orgasms!  He always was desperately trying to get me to cum!

 

ANDY

You go girl!

 

JULIE

‘You cum girl’ would be more like it!

 

JULIE’S alcohol induced hysterical laughing echoes through the denim-clad discothèque.

 

JULIE (CONT’D)

He stopped though.

 

ANDY

Really?

 

JULIE

Yeah, right about the same time that Ken Starr guy made Clinton stop.  First Jeff said he was mad because Clinton never tried to give Monica an orgasm. But then after his birthday…well, after we fucked…he changed his tune.  He told me ‘if Monica didn’t need one then I shouldn’t need one either.’  See, when his cherry popped something snapped in his brain.  I wish we’d have kept doing the ‘Bill Clinton sex’ because that’s when our sex life was great! After we tried to have real sex I don’t think he felt like he could measure up. If you know what I mean!

 

JULIE holds up her thumb and pointer finger forming the universal ‘it’s only-an-inch-long’ sign.

 

ANDY

But I read that for chicks the length of a guy’s dick didn’t matter.

 

JULIE

Well you read wrong Andy!  You’re a chick and the length of your dick matters, doesn’t it?