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EXT - PANCAKE HUT – NIGHT

 

TITLE: PANCAKE HUT.  Sunday, August 6, 2000.  2:25am

 

JOHN, dressed in casual slacks & tucked-in shirt, and JEFF, in jeans and an un-tucked short-sleeved button-up shirt, get out of the car outside Pancake Hut. Both of them begin walking towards the Pancake Hut entrance.

 

JEFF

What's even the point? Nothing makes sense anymore.

 

JOHN

(opening the door)

Just come inside, we'll talk about it once we sit

down.

INT - PANCAKE HUT – NIGHT

 

JEFF follows JOHN into the lobby.

 

JEFF

Well I don’t want to sit down!  I feel more like throwing myself in front of the Max!

 

JOHN

The light rail stopped running an hour-and-a-half ago.

 

JEFF (V.O.)

Perhaps Irene’s working tonight.  Irene has been waitressing since waitress was an acceptable word.  

 

IRENE (V.O.)

Server sounds a lot more demeaning than waitress, dontcha think?

JEFF (V.O)

Irene also said she votes Republican because she loves watching NASCAR with her husband.  Despite these idiosyncrasies, Irene is still the hardest working person I know.  

 

The hostess, SARAH, grabs some menus and greets them as they arrive.

 

JEFF (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Nope.  I don’t see her.  Who is this new girl?  Her brown eyes sure have a high batting average and what is that on her nose?  Oh, it’s a band aid.  Must be covering her nose ring.

 

SARAH

Two? 

 

JEFF & JOHN nod. 

 

SARAH (CONT’D)

Right this way…

 

JOHN

Smoking-

 

SARAH

Oh, it's all non-smoking now; county ordinance. 

 

JEFF (V.O.)

I usually sit on the other side: the former non-smoking section.  Ya see, cigarettes disgust me, but the City Council’s recent ban has no bearing on my mood tonight.  In fact, it is just going to put pack-a-day John in a bad mood too.

 

JEFF

Let's go, John-

JOHN

(to Jeff)

No. You're in no shape to be walking around Northeast Portland at two in the morning. Sit down.

 (to Sarah)

We'll have two coffees. 

 

SARAH seats JEFF & JOHN at table sixteen in a booth

 

SARAH

Cream? 

 

JEFF

Bring some of those blue sugars…oh, and a Coke. 

 

SARAH crinkles her tiny nose.

 

SARAH

What? 

 

JEFF (V.O.)

Whew, I’m glad that band-aid stayed attached!  

JEFF (CONT’D)

You know; that stuff that's safe for lab rats.

 

SARAH

Equal? 

 

JEFF

(to Sarah)

Yeah-

(to John )

God I wish they’d make a sugar substitute that tasted better.  Couldn’t they make it with sugar but then take the bad stuff out?

 

JOHN

They have yet to do it with cigarettes.

 

JOHN pulls out his last Marlboro, knocks it against the table a few times and rests it on top of his left ear.

JEFF

All I have to go on is which one is safer for me to ingest.

 

JOHN

Is ingest even a word?  I thought it was two words.  Like when you say something in a funny way.

 

JEFF

Well, that is two words, ‘in’ and ‘jest’, like when you say something in a jesting way.

 

JOHN

Is it ‘jesting’ or jestful?

 

JEFF rolls his eyes.

 

JEFF

I’m pretty sure it’s jesting, but I don’t have my dictionary with me.  We were just at a goddamn nightclub, why the fuck would I have my dictionary on me at a nightclub?

 

JOHN

Whatever you say, Jeff, you’re the writer.

 

JEFF

Nothing makes sense anymore.  How could Julie do that to me?

 

JOHN

So she went home with another dude.  Big deal!  Why do you even go with her to places like that when you won’t even dance with her?

 

JEFF

Hey, I dance!

 

JOHN

Yeah, but how often do they play slow songs; maybe twice a night? 

JEFF

She’s out dancing with girls during the fast songs anyway!

 

JOHN

…while you sit at the bar with your Coke with no ice.

 

JEFF

Listen, John, I've told you before, it doesn’t make sense for me to drink!  I never have a good time and it takes so damn much alcohol to even give me a buzz that it's not worth it.

 

JOHN

(sarcastically)

Great, a designated driver with no car. You're a real asset!

 

JEFF

Hey, I have my license!

JEFF (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Okay, so I rely mainly on rides from buddies and the city’s fancy transportation system.  Still, I’ve borrowed my Dad’s Jeep a dozen times since moving out in eighty-seven!

 

JOHN

I've had three beers tonight and I still wouldn't trust you with my car in the sorry state you're in. 

 

JEFF

Because I'm depressed?

 

JOHN

No, because you're suicidal!

 

JEFF

I am not!

 

JOHN

Come on! Just five minutes ago you were ready to throw yourself in front of the light rail!

SARAH returns with two coffees and a Coke then reaches into her apron and sets down seven Equal packets.  

 

JEFF

(to JOHN)

Didn't I say no ice? I swear I said no ice.

 

SARAH doesn’t make a sound, smiles and politely takes the Coke away.

 

JOHN shakes his head.

 

JOHN

You owe her big time!  Where were we? Oh yeah, Julie. Who was that guy anyway? 

EVETTE, the waitress, comes to their table, interrupting their conversation 

 

EVETTE

Were you two ready to order?

 

JEFF

Oh, we've already been waited on. 

 

EVETTE

(confused)

Are you sure? 

 

JEFF

Yeah, the girl with the big eyes. 

 

EVETTE

Sarah?  Oh, she's the hostess. 

 

JOHN

She brought us our drinks. 

 

EVETTE

Yeah, she's in training. I'll be taking your orders. 

JEFF

You must be new too.  I’m in here all the time and I’ve never seen you before.

 

EVETTE

I just transferred here from St. John’s.

 

JOHN

I'll have a cheeseburger. 

 

EVETTE nods at JOHN then looks to JEFF.

 

EVETTE

And you? 

 

JEFF

I’ll have the spaghetti. 

 

EVETTE

Sorry, we don’t have the spaghetti anymore.  The new special’s lasagna.

 

JEFF

Okay, Lasagna then.

 

EVETTE

Well, it’s not on our late night menu. 

 

JEFF

Ah, alright, whatever, I'll just have a hamburger too. 

 

EVETTE

Okay.

 

EVETTE tucks her pen into her apron and leaves.  

 

SARAH brings a new iceless Coke to the table, sets it down and follows EVETTE into the kitchen. 

 

JEFF’S straw, since there is no ice to keep it in place, falls from his glass onto the table.  A short snippet of Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’ plays.

JOHN

She looks a bit like Theresa, doesn't she? 

 

JEFF

Which one, the hostess or the waitress? 

 

JOHN

Come to think of it, they both do; the waitress's face and the hostess's figure. 

 

JEFF

Come on!

 

JOHN

No, I’m right. Theresa had bigger tits though.

 

JEFF

Than the hostess or the waitress?

 

JOHN

Both of them…

 

JEFF

Hey quit talking about Theresa like that!  Unless you can learn to use a little respect then don’t talk about her at all

 

JOHN and JEFF stare into their drinks.  There are several awkward seconds of silverware straightening and napkin tearing.

 

JOHN

So who was that freak Julie ran off with?

 

JEFF

I have no idea.  All I know is that he was wearing one of those car salesman power ties.