Author Information
"What I Said When I Was Drunk"
by Jeph Johnson
Once upon a time...
We are really distorted
Look at how she moves when I move my head, Everything seems to move at a different speed. I like these fuzzy blurs of stupor. Bend up and smell my anal vapors!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Shake my hand...and smell my anal vapors!
Let's think of all the things we can do, and then...smell my anal vapors....
Hahahaha
All aboard! ...and smell my anal vapors! Pull my finger...and smell my anal vapors! Take a sip...and smell my anal vapors... What would you like to order?... and smell my anal vapors! Hahaha Make mine a tall double shot, really sweet ...and smell my anal vapors!! Go inside and wait until I gain my balance No, no, you drive... I don't even know why I said that if we're taking the bus! I am depressed and don't even care!
Just think how many girls we could fuck if they only liked us! Ha! Let me see if I can walk a straight line... Whoa! I am dancing around and I don't even like blues music! This is weird! You know this is only the second time in my whole life I've been drunk? I just got this girl's phone number, and I don't know why she gave it to me... What the fuck?
Sorry, sorry.
No, it'll clean up, I'll pay for it.
I really want to go to a strip club now. Just act like you're sober, and they'll let you in... Don't say any more about anal vapors, ok? Hello. Yeah, here's my ID.
I was mad at the DMV when they took the picture, fuckers made me pay twice when all I needed was a replacement card because mine was too mangled. Let's sit over here...
Those aren't real, are they?
She's had to have had a boob job!
Nothing in here is real! Who am I kidding!? Do I even have enough money for a table dance?? When I went to Nashville they let you touch the dancers! You know what the only rule in Nashville is? The only rule is "you can't touch their pussy's!" Can you believe that? What do ya mean, "this ain't Nashville?" I know, but I can dream can't I?
Do you know I am still a virgin?
Thirty-three!
Well, I was a Christian for ten years and never got married. Oh, yeah I've done that. I'm kind of like a "Bill Clinton" virgin. Oh, I don't know how "respectable" that is. I guess it might matter to someone someday, but as it is right now I feel like an idiot! Nobody really gives a shit.
Some good it did me.
Yeah, we had a great sex life, but we never... ya know.... Now I wonder if we would've, if she'd still be with me? She's living with her boyfriend now. Probably still going to church. Whatever. I'm really good at eating pussy. I blame Jesus!
I'm gonna get a table dance anyway.
Twenty dollars!?
What if you're just topless, could I then get one for ten? Cool... I don't need you to bend over or anything, just smile at me. Yeah, like that.
Wow, you know I like it when you do that. This almost seems real. Damn!
I always pick the two minute and thirty-six second songs to get table dances. Why is it that I hear "Stairway To Heaven" every freakin' second on the radio except when it's time to get a table dance? Yes, I really like it when a girl smiles at me.
I'd pay you just to sit at my table and smile at me! (Yeah, I know, you need to make some more money and go spread your pussy in some guy's face.) If I had the money I'd rescue you from all this and all you'd have to do is sit by my side and smile. That's sweet, I know. (I am sick of being sweet.)
Her name was Teresa. She broke up with me on my birthday...can you believe it!? I didn't even drink then!
Yeah, I know, I'll make some woman happy someday... (probably when I'm
dead)
someone will appreciate me...
muscle weighs more than fat...
blah blah blah
Poetry? Yeah, I wrote her love songs, sent her flowers, all that. Yeah, I still write.
My stuff is much darker now.
I usually go hang out at Denny's all night and write poetry until the busses start running at five in the morning. What a life, huh? The waiter there thinks I am pathetic because I always request a young good-looking waitress. He says that chances are if a stripper comes in to the Denny's I'd know who she is. He's probably right, but he's also happily married.
Hey, you want to go to Denny's with me? We can talk and sober up... Oh,
I see.
Well, that last bus is coming soon, I better go.
God, I know I'm going to have a hangover tomorrow.
