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TOO LATE TO RECONCILE!
TOO LATE TO RECONCILE!
It’s so easy to say that one should encounter the problems of life with sheer determination, courage and self-confidence to walk through the road to destiny. But, when it comes to a crunch situation, most of us wilt under pressure. That was what happened to me in the nine long years of my acquaintance with my fiancée. Till the time we parted she addressed me as ‘Mr. X’ which meant that she wanted to make me realize that she was yet to gain confidence in me. Still, I persisted in continuing my relationship and persuaded her.
In the long run up to parting, I forgot the world and wandered in my dream world! Every week end seemed to bring utmost happiness as we roamed about. I took her around on almost every Saturday either to a hill station which was an hour drive or to a nearby temple on a hillock. Whenever I took her to the temple, I remained outdoors as she went into perform the ‘Pooja’ (Hindu religious rite) with a bunch of bananas, coconut etc. She used to come out after twenty minutes after the ‘Pooja’, while I waited patiently sitting on a boulder under a tree. While she was in, the recitation of the mantra ‘Om Nama Narayana..’ accompanied by drum beats that came through the public address system drifted through the air and reverberated on the surrounding hills. I found some mysterious excitement in myself on hearing the mantra, and got into a sort of trance to allow her to come out of the temple. Once she emerged out, I would drop her back home. This became a routine in due course. Being a Hindu, she was a devotee of that particular God and I never stood against her, although I was a Christian by birth. I enjoyed accompanying her to a few other temples which were far and near.
During other weekends and holidays when she didn’t have to go to the temple, we drove up the hill station. The chillness in the mist and the frizzling drizzle gave me a lot of excitement, but she always sat by my side quite composed. Hill stations always fascinated me! However, I avoided places infested by tourists and took her to an isolated cliff which overlooked a valley from where we had a marvelous view of a tribal village. We hardly came out of the car thus sitting inside from morning till evening trying to take protection from the cold weather. As we had biscuits, coffee and other eats we never had to get out of the car other than for answering nature’s call.
The mist that hung around most of the time, made us keep the windows on; and that resulted in the frosting of the windscreen. This gave us more privacy and I looked at her quite eagerly every now and then; but she maintained the same composure exchanging very few words. Very often, our vision got obstructed by the hovering mist, but she never seemed to take her eyes off from the valley even for a split second. She remained as cool as ever in the biting cold and hazy light. I, as a human had my own temptation and would just pray, “Lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil”. I couldn’t take her for granted as she seemed to be a well disciplined teacher. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the drive up and down the hill with her sitting by my side. Days, months and years passed, still we had a healthy relationship to be proud of. We saved the situation by exercising self-control, which was a rare commodity in me those days!
Years passed and she had to tell her mother about our acquaintance due to pressure from my side. The reason being, her mother didn’t know that we had such a relationship. Fortunately, her mother was on a pilgrimage to a famous temple. So, she wanted me to make use of the chance to accompany them, so that we could reveal the matter. I too promised that I would take them by car the next morning. But, I couldn’t make it! I don’t know what prevented me from keeping myself off, for I was totally free and didn’t have any other work! Nevertheless, I disappointed them and her mother who was yet to be aware of our relationship and the way I deceived them on that day.
My fiancée, who seemed to have moved a little closer to me by then, couldn’t gulp it! That was what I thought! But, to my surprise, she wouldn’t show any signs of dissent. She accompanied me to the usual places regularly without opening the topic of my failure to turn up the other day. And now, in my solitude, when I recapitulate what had happened on that day and what on earth had prevented me from meeting her mom and revealing the matter, I feel ashamed and keep my head down. That’s a sort of pressure I suppose! Nonetheless I wilted under pressure and that was what prompted our parting after nine long years of good and health relationship. Till today, I am not able to find a convincing answer to what I had done. Had I been gutsy, I would have made it! Oh! It’s too late to reconcile!
