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A DEEP LOVE POEM *
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JOURNAL # 40
drifting
ever sweet
how a collection
of your words
so tenderly carry me
to not I know where
can my eyes really say
to Paradise in a trance
my soul whispers
ere a conclave of happier days
ever honored by thee
I love you ever dear
my melancholy dreamer
from upon those very hills
that you mention
as I blanket ever
your great sadness
with the faithful coverings
of my love
alone and forlorn
you shall never feel again.............
(March 19, 2011 645pm)
I like this. It has an old
I like this. It has an old feel to it. It's very pretty to read but I feel like it doesn't say a lot. I don't mean this in a bad way, I simply mean that it's very vague. You leave your reader wondering about a lot of things. This is obviously written for someone and I'm certain that this person understands each and every subtle nuance, however it is difficult for others to relate to it if they can't imagine themselves in your situation. As far as I can tell you are listening to this person paint a picture of a paradise in the hills, they are very sad for some reason and you are comforting them by telling them that you love them and that they will never or should never feel sad and lonely again. Am i close? It's very good anyway. The more I read it the more i understand of it. Just a few suggestions. "to not i know where" Should be "to I know not where" Unless you purposefully want to talk like yoda, in which case it should be "to where, I know not". Also I felt like you use the word or arrangement "ever" to often. It does give some fluid movement to the piece but with it being of such sort length, i fear it serves as more of an annoyance. Longer poems require repetition of words, sort of like a chorus in a song in order to bring the reader back the the underlying thought of the poem. With sort poems this is not necessary. I count ever 4 times, never once and ere. Never and ere are far from ever, but they remind me of it somehow. Never because ever is in it and ere because it only needs a v. Keep up the great work. You have a lot of poems here and I hope to read more.
You are right!
In your comments you posted about my poem this passed April it was written for someone in particular. It is a poem for that person. As long as that person enjoyed it is all I care about. I thank you for your comments but what you don't know is that person was horsing around with me in a conversation and asked me to specifically write a poem using some difficult word 5 times. They chose ever as it has so little meaning and I used ere and never like you noticed as I too feel they remind me of ever. See, all of this you didn't know and though you feel that one line of mine makes me sound like Yoda I enjoyed that comment so much by the way but don't agree with you but I really enjoyed the thought you put into commenting and critiquing my work. I felt I should better explain as there were many things I did not make clear in that poem as it was for a particular someone and I did not feel the desire, need nor want to break it down and more clearly explain it as it was personal but HE blessedly understood it perfectly and enjoyed my use of the word ever 4 times (but unlike you) he felt I failed as I did not use ever 5 times like he asked but instead used ere and never which like you I too felt were cousins to ever even have ever in the never but oh, well I did my best can't please everyone even the one it was written for. Again though, thank you so much for your interest. I never got a notice that you had replied to my poem and when I log on I don't always notice if someone has critiqued one for me. I occasionally glance at the count of ones who have viewed it. I will be happy to return the favor and read over some of your work. Now, why don't you do what I did and attempt to write a poem with a word I choose and use it 5 times in your poem. It's a brain buzzing exercise to say the very least. Hmmm thinking here, your word to use five times should be HURDLE. There, try that and let me know how you did( winks big.) Again thanks so much for your time and interest in my silly little Ever poem! Oh speaking of which, a few poems later I wrote one titled My Ode To The Four Evers or some such, another attempt just to see if I could do it. One suggestion if you decide to take up my gauntlet do let that word HURDLE marinate in your brain for a while before you attempt to do the exercise justice. Most very sincerely , Melissa Lundeen.