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Life of depression.

Life of repression.

Never came to terms,

Never knew the harm.



The realization strikes.

Your heart laid on the spikes.



Pounding you in,

Life fails to begin.



The father you loved,

The father you need.

The father you miss.

Why can’t I hate him like the rest?



A jerk,

Could care less about you,

Yet you still crave to see him,

Still crave to know he might care.



Hope that he might call,

Even if you would never pick up the phone.



Can’t understand,

After all you have done,

So much you shared.

His “twin.”

His best friend,

Left alone in the cold hard rain.



My father,

Someone I looked up to,

Someone I would have chosen to live with,

The divorce I always imagined,

Yet never saw coming.



How did I end up here?



Why did you leave me?

What did I do to get you to hate me?

Thought so much,

Evidently it meant nothing.



Should hate you,

Yet all I can do is miss you.

Should never talk to you again,

Yet I wish I could hear your voice.



Put on the front,

Anger,

Contempt,

Detachment.

It’s what I’m supposed to feel.

Its how they all feel.

Why do I feel like this?



Shouldn’t care,

Shouldn’t love him still.

Shouldn’t think of him as a father.

Yet I still do.



Made the effort,

Tried to see him,

Never did he return the favor.



Now alone,

Missing what I’ve never been without before.

Missing my father.

A man I should hate,

Should never think of giving a second chance.

He barely deserves the first one he had.



Left me here,

The pain,

I’ll be this man,

Because of you,

For the rest of my life,

Be fucked up inside.



Have you to thank for that,

Yet I don’t hold it against you,

If only you could try.

To know you have a son who loved you very much,

A son who misses you,

And can’t understand why you do what you do.



Shouldn’t care,

Yet I do.

Worry,

Miss,

Long for what we had.

Yet the anger and hurt block the way.

I’m nothing more then someone who sucks away the money.

Lied about that too.

What did you ever say that was true?



I loved you,

And sadly I still do.

Against all common sense,

Against what everyone else does,

I wish I could be your friend again.



Worried they might think I’m strange,

Going to the father who left me behind,

They don’t know who I am,

I would do it in second.

Just to talk,

Understand.



Wish you where man enough to call.

Wish you could still recognize the voice of your son.

Wish you where still here.

Wish I didn’t feel this way.



Father.

Friend.

Someone I miss the most…

Even when I know I shouldn’t.