PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

*smiles* I think everyone can relate to this poem on some level, because we've all had people we "liked" who didn't "like" us back, although they liked us as people/friends/classmates/whatever. I enjoy your language here but I feel that this poem could be extremely strong if you made some little changes...so here are a couple of my suggestions.

1.) End-rhyme is highly overrated, and in this poem there are a few instances where it's basically downright detracting. Your point is made less strong because of it, and it makes your language less appreciable. If you like the end-rhyme and don't feel comfortable dropping it, try to work with the flow to make the rhythm and rhyme sound natural and flowing instead of choppy and forced.

2.) One of my favorite pieces of advice to poets that I read and feel have great potential that they aren't quite reaching is to encourage them to make a goal of putting at least two sensory (sight, sound, smell, taste, touch) details into each poem they create. These things have the power to make or break a poem: having them almost always proves to draw your reader directly into that which you have written and to keep them with you the whole way through. If you can paint a picture of what you want to say, and directly insert the reader into that picture, you have done some magic that is sure to thrill and enthrall.

>I finally found you
>but I was too late
>you have someone else
>and your heart she did take.

That rhyme is -very- forced. When you have to invert your syntax ("your heart she did take"), your reader immediately feels put-off and a mite confused. Even though we understand what you're trying to say, we are startled by the strange wording and we start to feel like the end-rhyme is annoying and cumbersome.

>You say that you like me
>your hand holds my own
>but you have a girlfriend
>and i'm left alone.

Be careful. If you elect to punctuate appropriately and have correct grammar (except for commas, from what I'm seeing, which is fine; you tend to be using line breaks as commas) then you need to be consistent about it. Include capital letters after all periods, and definitely capitalize the letter "I" because that tends to make whoever reads your poem yelp, "Amateur!" and since you aren't one, you don't want them to say that! *grins*

>Mistakes that I made
>change who I used to be
>hoping and praying
>you would notice me.

That would be a good place for some details. What sorts of things did you do to get noticed? Or were you just quietly waiting for notice, eyes wide, looking over the edge of your schoolbooks...? Description is always brilliant and helpful.

>Breaking away
>and flashing false grins
>walking away boldly
>when I know I won't win.

Fantastic. That's an image. Keep those things up. And additionally, that's a quatrain where the rhyme sounds natural and rhythmic, not forced. Good going!

>Singing my sorrows
>and holding back sighs
>waiting for the moment
>that I say goodbye.

I like that, too. Rather sad, of course, but that's unavoidable with your subject matter. *smiles* I have a situation that's somewhat similar to this, but I am not "waiting" for the moment--I'm dreading it and doing everything in my power to avoid it. I am fighting it all-out. So that is an intriguing statement to me. You may even wish to elaborate slightly.

Overall, great work! You have poetic potential, without a doubt; and even though I picked your poem apart, don't think that I didn't like it or anything! I definitely liked it, and I definitely think you're a good writer (if I didn't, I wouldn't bother with the suggestions!), so don't take offense or anything. I personally absolutely love constructive criticism and feedback (in fact, I never get enough of it)...so I thought I'd give you some, too.

This one was good. Your friend was wrong.

don't like it

sorry just not my style
and not the emotion i am on now

thought i get it and its not bad

don't like it

ash