PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

This poem expresses such a clear and sweet sentiment that I'm really glad you managed to express it poetically; these are difficult things to conceptualize and put down in words. I have a few suggestions, though... I'm just going to walk through the poem for you.

>You forgot the things you said to ne
>all the promises you made
>and as you left me all alone
>I felt myself begin to fade.

You've done a great job of establishing a rhythm here in the first stanza. I have a general tendency to dislike end-rhyme, and there are a few parts of this poem where it sounds too forced, but for now you are doing very well with it, and everything seems to flow nicely together. In addition, the image of "fading" really does express the situation nicely.

>You forgot it was you that I loved
>not who you pretended to be
>this I tried to show you above all
>but that you wouldn't see.

Here's an example of a perfect sentiment that was shot in the heart by a forced end-rhyme. The first couplet in that quatrain is fantastic. I love the idea of "I loved / [you,] not who you pretended to be." However, your second couplet is clearly only present to perpetuate the end-rhyme. Have you ever thought about working with language and meter but dropping any sort of "regularly appearing" rhyme scheme? It might help you to get your sentiments out without being boxed in by silly words that you don't really want to include in the poem, but you feel like you have to add because of the rhyme scheme you've selected.

>You forgot the way to hold my heart
>and how to let me hold yours
>no need to really wonder
>what it was we broke up for.

This is another sentiment that could probably have been condensed; I admit to being a little confused by the image of "holding" someone's heart, and perhaps you want to look at this stanza a little more closely so you can make sure you're expressing the image that you want to express: Right now I get this weird vague concept of someone actually physically holding onto somebody's heart. One of the magical things that poets can do is they can bring their reader directly into the poem and surround the reader with so much imagery that the reader suddenly actually -feels- the poet's emotions and understands the poet's emotional state by him or herself! That is the most magical moment for a reader, and you want to work hard to elicit that. If you try to put two sensory images (sight, sound, taste, smell, touch) into each poem you write, you will stand a good chance of hitting that perfect status.

>You forgot I live my life to live
>you can't just take and me just give
>what kind of future would that be
>now I guess thats something we won't see.

"That's" has an apostrophe. Other than that... This is your "power-moment" in the poem, so you want to make sure you pack this stanza with punch. I really like the second line: "You can't just take and me just give." Perfect use of an old-fashioned sort of cliche/saying. You modified it so it was not a cliche, and you used it to your advantage, getting across exactly what you want to say. I don't understand the second couplet, though. It seems to contradict your poem. I got the impression, throughout the poem, that you were getting over this breakup, but that you were seeing how things simply weren't working out for you two. But this last couplet seems to hint at some anger (sarcasm) and bitterness, as well as a hint of blame-throwing. That may be intentional, and I am missing the point. However, if it's unintentional, then you might want to take a look at those last couple of lines and see if there's anything you can do to make them sound less angry and more resigned.

You're a wonderful poet, so don't take any of my comments cruelly... I just absolutely adore feedback from people and I'm hoping you do as well. *smiles* The title of this poem is great; it really draws the reader directly into the action and summarizes without boring the reader. Thank you so much for sharing with us!