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Furthering Self-Reliance
I still have this lethargic feeling. I can't seem to shake it and I just put down everything I pick up. I kinda have nothing to do with my days yet, so I keep dwelling on things I shouldn't. I've been thinking about my issues a lot lately and how they can be resolved, if they could be at all. What I've come to understand is that, a lot of people don't get to know me too well before they get "involved". Even those that do, don't know everything they should. That's not on their shoulders by any means, because I didn't inform them. I don't do this to hurt them, I simply cannot tell them what even I don't know yet. With every new love interest, with every late night spent texting till you fall asleep, or every shared cup of coffee, I'm not just learning and picking away at your mind, but mine as well. Since everyone is different, it's always a new situation, new circumstances, and with everything else in life you have have to adapt to it. I just want the people I've hurt to know this. I never meant to hurt you, I never had ill intent, and if I could have made things easier for you I would have. I don't speak false words, I don't lead on just to cut off. What all of you have in common is what I've figured out about myself lately. The last person to share a common interest in me told me, "I'm afraid to to look stupid if I do get involved." Which to me made a lot of sense, and I completely understood why they would feel that. I have this pretty bad record of trying to get involved with someone and then usually something will happen just as they've opened up to me and I realize that I don't feel like that towards them. It's not a commitment issue just that I see how much they really care and feel for me and I sullenly realize I can't provide that back to them... I truely do believe those people deserve better than me. Perhaps "better" is the right word, my only message is they deserve someone who can at least give them equivalent exchange. I want people I know to have this information. The ones I've hurt, the ones who may be currently interested, people who even have no interest at all. I'm only trying to find happiness. I don't believe anything should come in the way of that pursuit which is where all the pain and problems I cause people really starts to come in. I don't believe in "bro code". If she's single then it's fair game, I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I've done this one, technically twice and I'm not sorry. These two women that I talked to both are amazing people even to this day and they made me really happy, so I took a chance in life. Unlike most people I've finally realized that if something makes you happy then you have to do what you must to see if it was meant to be in your life or not. With this philosophy I've obtained for myself, it allows me to exit a relationship, and if something else comes along I'm willing to try again. If you don't at least try to find out then whats the point in even wondering in the first place? So in this 'manifesto' type writing I'm just letting any and all potential people that this can affect that in advance,
I'm sorry.
