PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

The follow is random assortment of thoughts that may or may not connect to each other in some way or another. I most likely will not pause in my typing, with that being said, lets see where my thoughts end up shall we?

who knows, you may even learn something about me that you like, dislike, or maybe are just curious about. Regardless of which one it is, don’t be afraid to put forth your thoughts. I’m surely not.

Allons-y!

So I’m pretty curious about life lately. This is quite the odd mixture of negatives and positives going off at the same time, that I’ve just never experienced before. On one hand I have no home, no money, and hardly any family. Yet on the other hand, I have friends, my health, countless opportunities and open doors, and just one other pretty big thing that’s up in the air for the moment. I’m surprising optimistic going into all this and I’ve evaluated all the pros and cons of each and every situation. The outcomes while they may be grim in appearance, on some circumstances, I find their more positive counterparts well worth the risk of losing everything. I’m unsure thought at the same time, because I’m conflicted by the sheer thought that if I do take that risk.. I lose everything I don’t already have. I mean I will have nothing. Less that nothing quite honestly. What to do, what to do. I’m not exactly upset by any of this, I’m just… clouded? I honestly don’t even know what the word is. There is just something wrong, or even missing maybe. Maybe it’s neither of those, perhaps everything is really fine. Maybe my mind just can’t process having something so amazing to happen to me and that makes me actually happy, so it takes any and all negative occurrences, pertaining to the current situation or not and just makes the biggest, most impossibly, impassible, obstacle that I’ve ever recieved. Just to realize it was only a misunderstanding, but also only finding that out after all the hard work, broken moments, and the final climb to success. Because even in my own fucked up scenarios I still go in with this optimistic outlook. I’m just balanced in this spot. Directly in the middle. Just enough on both sides to come up with a horrible circumstance, and counter it in my mind. Most people would read that and think, “Well that’s not too bad, at least your problems end up getting solved somehow.” Which is very true, and I’m glad for the ability to do that, but like everything else it has a down side to it too. Sure things get solved, but whats after that? Do I just go about life willy-nilly while nothing is happening? OF COURSE NOT. Not to say that I don’t try, I just seem to be so well balanced, or fucked with enough bad luck to send me another challenge immediately proceeding the previous one. I believe firmly that we’re never given more than we can handle, but another part of me just want’s to know when this giant cluster fuck of a learning experience is going to come to and end, or if it will at all for that matter. What if the challenges last till the day you die? Is life really worth that struggle? Also though, what if the challenges of life ended tomorrow? Would life even carry enough interest to be worth living anymore? By now you must realize I have many questions, some are easy to answer and maybe it’s just hidden from my sights. Others are much, much harder I believe. To the point where I’m not sure the person, creature, or sentient being with the ability to answer those questions even exists yet. It’s 4:44 AM on a Wednesday morning, in May, as I look at the clock this moment. A friend to my right finishing school work, and playing a video game. Yet here I am, haven’t said a word in I’m not sure how long, and I can’t seem to stop writing my thoughts on to this damned device. Willing to post every last punctuation, letter, word, sentence, or phrase that has any purpose or meaning to me, that signify myself as a being. The things that really trouble my mind on a daily basis. Just hoping to get a response so simple as, “I understand, you don’t have to worry alone anymore.” For the few on here that do know me prior to this site, just know that this is not to say that you haven’t helped before on similar topics, or that I’m tired of you, or anything really negative as a generalized term. Simply that you know me too well. I think I just wanted to type tonight for those eyes that don’t know me. The ones that haven’t looked past my exterior yet for any number of reasons ranging from not getting the chance to yet, or that they just didn’t have much interest in it at the time. Either way, I want those people, the few of you lovely enough to have followed me of all people. I sincerely want all of you to have the opportunity to enter into part of my mind. Whether you take the opportunity or not is your decision, that I will respect. But if even one of you reads this, and you find yourself curious for more stories, thoughts, or just want to get to know me, please do. I encourage everyone to expand themselves whenever possible. While I have severe social anxiety, and I genuinely find the human race to be grotesque, absurd, and utterly repulsive as a species. I’ve decided that with this leap from the mere prologue of my life into it’s first chapter, I’m going to do something entirely out of my comfort zone and open myself up to complete strangers for whatever judgement they see fit. I honestly want from the sincerest part of my heart, for someone to reply to this. Please show me that my hatred for my own species is misplaced and is only a case of

“A few ruining it for everyone.” 

Show me that there is another human being, willing to display everything that they every were, are, and continue to be for all to see and reciprocate my gesture of friendship. No it’s more than that, it’s a gesture of kinship. If someone has the courage to answer this with every last raw emotion they have in their body and open up to me, I promise to never judge, not even a single hair on your head. To tell you that your flaws are not as they are called, but merely a defense mechanism to weed out the few chosen people amazing enough to have stayed around for it all. I promise that the bond created at that moment, will encompass more love, affection, anger, hatred, sadness, sorrow, joy, grief, jubilee, and countless other emotions for multiple lifetimes worth. It will be such a close family bond, I might even really make you part of my future family somehow. Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, God Mother, God Father, Brother, Sister, the point is you will have a title. Most importantly though, You will have a permanent home in my heart and my thoughts, and also the hearts and thoughts closest to me as of that moment. There aren’t many of us, but I take care of my own. 

Just don’t prove me right, please?

Most people will skip over this entire thing any way because they’re too lazy to read, or just don’t care, so for the few I was lucky enough to wonder what my “Verbal escapade.” was, or the few I caught at the end with this last bit here. 

Sincerely,

                Thank you.

Your Friend, Answer Seeker, Life ponderer, Self-Acclaimed Guru, Positive thinker, and Good Vibes Coach.

Yours Truly,

MI