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so. 

im just sitting in the car

waiting for her to appear.

i feel like she is doubting the idea of a relationship.

which sucks for me

because i feel like everything has been going so fucking well.

she makes me so fucking happy.

shit

this happens every time.

every girl that gives me a chance,

ends up taking it away.

its like

i give everything i got

to make something work

but it just doesnt matter.

cause, you know

free will and shit.

i shouldnt be letting this shit get to me.

it shouldnt be bothering me as much as it does.

maybe she is helping me by trying to slow shit down even more.

maybe she thinks its a good idea.

no matter how bad i want it to continue.

i havent had something this great in my life for a long ass time.

it sounds cheesy, but i feel complete around her.

i respect her, i admire her.

i want to keep her.

i just wish there was a way to see how she truly feels.

if i even have a standing chance.

does she think about me as much as i think about her?

i hope so.

is it bad, 

when i see her backing away

that i hope that deep inside, she wants me,

but is only being cautious?

i hope that is the case.

because i want to bring it out of her.

i want her to want me.

i dont want her to go away.

as possible as it is,

i don't want it to happen.

i want it to work for once.

i hate wasting my feelings.

for the first time in a very long time,

i have finally let them out to someone that i truly care about.

i just hope she sees that.

i hope she digs it.

i hope she really accepts me.

there isn't anything i wouldnt do to make her happy.

shit,

i LOVE making her laugh.

it might not happen as often as i'd like

i love it when she does.

i love it when im nervous and she shh's me,

or runs her fingers through my hair,

or looks into my eyes.

she makes me feel like a man.

while still accepting of my flaws.

i dont think she knows how much she is helping me

and i dont think she knows how bad i want to be here for her.

and i dont think drunkenly blurting it all out again is a good idea.

fuck

i really hope my emotions dont just scare her away.

slowly but surely.

it really feels like a test.

am i even capable of love anymore?

am i even capable of making a girl glow anymore?

am i even an admirable man anymore?

she makes me want to be a better person.

but, its not about me.

is it?

no, i am not the only variable in this equation.

there is another dimension of reality hiding behind her pretty face.

i need to accept whatever may come.