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Valentine’s Day

Every year I move a little closer to a never-ending life of singleness and eventually death. I so desperately want to find love but I feel like no one could ever love me. After all, no one ever has.

I know it’s partly my fault that I don’t open up to people but I just don’t see what someone would love in myself.

I know I will never meet someone until I love myself. And that is precisely why I’m so afraid that it will never happen. And even if I were to find someone who would love me even though I don’t love myself, I could not bring myself to drag him into this self-loathing pit. 

Maybe that realization is a sign of maturity over last year’s February 14^th. But I still have a long way to go before I am able to say I love myself.

Agape

This week I am mediating on I Corinthians 13 and the truest definition of love we know.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” NIV

This is unconditional love. This is the way our God loves us and how we are to love each other. But it’s an impossible standard for us. If only, we imperfect beings could love like this. But sin gets in the way. We are jealous, arrogant, selfish, temperamental, judgment, etc. We cannot help it. It’s all part of the fall.

But we can whole-heartedly try to meet this standard. First, we must love God; then ourselves; then everyone else. We must acknowledge the fact that we may never attain this kind of love. And take it one day at a time as we move closer to loving the way God loves us.

Valentine’s Crush

I have a crush. It’s such a rare occasion these days that it’s consumed my thoughts. I have a tendency to let my emotions run away from me. I can’t eat. I have a hard time falling asleep or concentrating. And I only just met the guy! Nevertheless I feel like there was something there. I can’t wait to see him again. But I have to be careful not to scare him away. All the times I pursue a guy have ended horribly because I didn’t let it happen naturally. My impatience has taken its toll on every crush/relationship I’ve ever had.

So, I am silently praying “Lord, not my will. Let your will be done.” I’m going to take the first step within the next couple days just to show I am interested but that’s it. I’m not going to force anything. I’m not pursue this guy persistently before (until) he runs away. If there is something there, it will happen. I leave it in God’s hands. He knows what’s best. He knows if I am ready. He knows if the time is right and if the man is the one. 

I know what happened last time I let my desire for love to occupy my life. I was so shallow. I liked the way he looked and the way our stories fit together like something only Hollywood could conjure up. But beyond that, we had nothing in common. I just wanted to be loved.

I forgot my first love. And my last. The only one who could love me like I need to be loved. I know that is the key to finding love on this earth. Until I love him first, I could never love another.