PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I haven't posted here in a long time but I wanted somewhere familiar to talk to myself. I haven't felt myself or at home for a long time and I feel that regressing is the only way to get that feeling back. For 10 years now I've felt that the ground underneath me had been unearthed and I fell through and I've been spending all these years crawling back up to the earth's surface. I stop here and there where I feel like I may belong but it never lasts forever and I have to keep climbing. I feel like I maybe had it all a year or so ago and ruined it all for nothing. I feel like I dug my life's path in an awful direction that I cannot handle or reach a finish line doing. I hate that I don't know myself still at this point and I hate that nothing seems to feel okay or safe. I hate that when I look at myself recently I don't even know who she is. I feel like I've met a version of myself that wasn't supposed to exist for another 40-50 years. At this point I feel like I am invisible in the world and there's no point in trying to prove my existence. (Not in suicidal terms, I just wish I could disappear and start over.) I feel like I was born to be the type of person no one cares about or pays a second thought to. Not to pity myself but because that's just who I chose to be. Not many people's interest in me lasts long whether it be friends, relationships, or family and I just sink into obscurity in the minds of those I loved the most. Maybe a good bit of it is my fault, maybe I manifested this way for myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I've exhausted every remedy to my knowledge. I want to remove myself from this world to change my ways and come back and do it all over again but I know I don't get that opportunity. So what else is there to do than to delete myself and push others away?