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THE SUN
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HOLLOW WORDS TURN TO POETRY. it is a perfect day to feel a little morbid...
the winds fill the ears of the trees with painful melodies
and tears of the sky fill their being with long forgotten sorrow...
the earth shakes with tremor, like a sobbing body,
the groung opens, with a hideous smile, dribbling with red
glowing spit, waiting to swallow some hazardous victim...
tornadoes are dancing, deadly ballet of nature, taking to their
frenzy, anyone to their fancy!
leaving the stage empty, apart from the spotlight of the
thunder and the dying sound of the storm....
the rain will wash away the last remain, witness of his beauty.
behind the great shadow, the sun is waiting to take the
stage and rob his friends from the applause again...
copyrightH.Naudet
some good stuff
thats some good stuff. a bigger way to look at the earth. Starting from the simple winds to the destruction of a tornado. cool.
Wow
I love the opening line. In fact, I love the whole thing. Asteroid b-612...clever.
Beautiful work
on this :*).
good work... with love and peace
beautifully done, a satisfying poetry
it is a perfect day to feel a little morbid... >>flat opening to this poem. the winds fill the ears of the trees with painful melodies and tears of the sky fill their being with long forgotten sorrow... >>try to not use words like "painful" and "tears" and "sorrow". these words tell, but do not show, what you are trying to get across. poetry is about showing, not about telling. the earth shakes with tremor, like a sobbing body, the groung opens, with a hideous smile, dribbling with red glowing spit, waiting to swallow some hazardous victim... >>groung? what is that, a new type of rock and roll? well, at least in this stanza, you get a bit more elaborate. "dribbling with red glowing spit" is an image, and you created it! are you aware that "hazardous" means dangerous? since when are victims dangerous? usually victims are stalked by danger. tornadoes are dancing, deadly ballet of nature, taking to their frenzy, anyone to their fancy! leaving the stage empty, apart from the spotlight of the thunder and the dying sound of the storm.... >>okay, what's with the dots (ellipsis)? here, you go one stop further and add an extra dot after the ellipsis! wonderful! um, not. don't use ellipses. they are a poet's stutter. other than that, the two sentences above actually show some promise, but you have to work at it. the first sentence needs to be diagrammed on the chalkboard and put back together again. it's very illogical. the rain will wash away the last remain, witness of his beauty. >>the last remain? eh? remain is a verb, not a noun. witness of whose beauty? do you mean God? Then you should put "His" beauty. behind the great shadow, the sun is waiting to take the stage and rob his friends from the applause again... >>oh, i see. the sun is the person you were talking about earlier. maybe? this needs lots of work. i don't know what else to say. copyrightH.Naudet
Hi I really liked the way you use your words to describe everything down pat. You can actually picture the scenery as you read through your poem. Very nice work! Roz :)
It is a beautiful poem with powerful expressions.
When I read this piece, I see a great stage & a brilliant performance that deserves a standing ovation. There is so much imagery here.