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Where I’m From, Where I'm Really From

 

Where I’m From

 

I’m From

A mother and father who had me too young

A mother who never showed me enough love

A father who worked 3 jobs

A mother who was a liar and a cheater, who loved alcohol, sex, and drugs

A father who came home at midnight, who was over exhausted, yet every day at midnight he came home we ate peanut butter out of the jar with two spoons and played video games and watched TV, until we both fell asleep

 

I’m From

A mother who hated me because I ruined her chances at a good life, at the age of 15

A mother who tried to abort me, yet only kept me because of my father, who was 18

 

I’m From

A father who stayed up all night, until I fell asleep

A father who hushed me back to sleep, after waking up screaming, while he told me everything will be okay, and nothing bad is going to happen today, and told me how much he loves me

A father who tried to protect me

A father who would understand

 

I’m From

A mother who never taught me how to love

A mother who found everything hard to handle

A mother who never set a good example

 

I’m From

A place where my mother takes me

Called a Crack House

A place where meth, cocaine, cigarettes, and Mary Jane, fill the air

A place where the doors are locked and big strong men are surrounded all around

 

I’m From

Drug Dealers

Back alleys and drug deals

If police show, run and hide in a small space

If they catch you put on your sad face, they’ll never expect someone like you

 

I’m From

Do what your told or else

Just lie to your father just this one last time

“We did nothing today Dad

No she stayed here all day

So did I

No she didn’t leave me alone at the house

I would never lie to you Dad”

 

I’m From

My mother taking me to the crack house

To my mother leaving me all alone at the thing so called “home”

 

I’m From

A mother who always brought me down

Who hit me till I was bruised and marked of her so called love

Who took me places where I didn’t belong, where I got abused even more

 

I’m From

My father and mother who were constantly yelling

My father and mother constantly fighting

Yet my father only stayed because of the love he had for the three children and because he loved my mother too, too much, for his own good, even though he knew it was wrong

But in my mother’s words we were the so called mistakes

 

I’m From

Sitting on the couch and watching

A mother who had enough

Who finally admitted she wasn’t happy and she was done

Who took a gun to my father’s head

Then pointed it at me and said

You two ruined my life, I don’t care, I’ll kill you both

 

I’m From

A mother’s father who walked in at the right time

Who took the gun

And saved our lives

 

I’m From

Being in Foster Care since I was born

Seeing my father and mother on weekends and summers, were okay

But weekdays, were terrifying

 

I’m From

Surviving on my own

And keeping my brothers alive

 

I’m From

Having no food

And when I did

I gave it to my brothers, who were more important than me, and needed to survive

 

I’m From

Multiple dark cold cellars

Freezing every night

With my brother next to me

Laying on the only army cot

 

I’m From

Getting beat every day is the normal

And if I didn’t then something was wrong and it was going to get worse

 

I’m From

At the houses, being a shy scared little girl

To in school, being the one stepped on and pushed till I had enough

 

I’m From

Being bullied to being the bully

Being on the bottom to being on top

 

I’m From

Loving School

And always secretly being an A+ student

Because that was the only way to take my frustration out

And make something of myself

 

I’m From

Protecting my brothers

Stepping up so they didn’t get hurt

Taking the beating instead of them

From promises that I’ll always be here and I’ll protect you, no matter what

 

I’m From

School to school

House to house

Hospital to hospital

Court to court

Therapist to therapist

Psychic to psychic

Doctor to doctor

 

I’m From

Raging anger constantly that’s a constant fire that burns inside of me

Depression constantly falling but never landing, catching a branch, but still falling, sleeping, but never waking up

Anxiety constantly having to be followed by a voice, the only one that you can hear in your head that knows all of your insecurities and uses them against you

Eating Disorders constantly wanting or losing weight, counting calories, weighing yourself every hour, excising till your about to pass out, binging on food, avoiding meals, taking small meals and bites, but cant stop

Never feeling good-enough constantly trying but never succeeding

Always stressed out no matter how many problems you solve it seems like 300 hundred more add on

Always feeling lonely no matter how many people surround you

Always wanting to die even though you have one reason to live

Always being the emo and the suicidal girl because no matter how hard you try you realize how weak you really are, just the look of a blade and all the thoughts came back and so many ways to use it

Nightmares that constantly replay and when you wake up you realize they’re real and there’s no escaping them

Shadows that are constantly in the dark and in the light that prove that monsters and demons and ghost are real

Negativity that constantly shaped me into who I am today

 

I’m From

Mental, Physical, and Social abuse

Eating disorders

Mental disorders

Never feeling good

Always being lonely

Always being stressed out

Never being good enough

Always wanting to die

Anxiety

Depression

Raging anger

Nightmares

And shadows

You can’t explain why your this way

Or why the feeling stays

Because

Being quiet is when your safe

And talking will give you more pain

 

I’m From

Self-harming since I was 4

Slicing my body till it was sore

Vomiting till I can’t breathe

Tying a rope to the fan

Thinking this is it, and wishing it was my last day to take my last breath

 

I’m From

It’s just a phase

It’ll pass

Stop being stupid

How retarded can you be

You’ll never make it

 

I’m From

Walking around broken

Mentally, physically, and socially frozen

I keep on going, but I keep getting it all wrong

They told me I’d never survive, but what they didn’t know was survivals my middle name

I walked around hoping to survive, but barely coping

The clouds have always blocked the sun from my life

 

I’m From

Living half a life

Never feeling fully alive

 

I’m From

Finally getting a fresh new start

 

I’m From

A rainbow

With a bunch of weird people

 

I’m From

A place where

It’s the happiest I’ve been

 

I’m From

A red-headed girl turned into…..

The only family that I could consider my own

Who stood by my side through thick and thin

Who makes me laugh

Who’s let’s be stupid together

Let’s ditch class

It’ll be fine

Let’s be weird and crazy together

Let’s be together forever

 

I’m From

A group of friends who….

Turned into part of my family

 

I’m From

A best guy friend 

Who always had his arms wide open

Who always had a shoulder I could cry on

Who always kept an open mind

Who always kept me close to his heart

Who turned into my boyfriend

Who understood me more than I understood myself

Who listened to me and my past and told me not to be afraid and that its going to be okay

Who heard every word I was saying, and still stood by my side

Who knew about the nightmares I had and would stay up all night and until I fell asleep

And would watch me sleep and watch me wake up in the middle of the night and would talk to me until I fell back to sleep, until I woke up

Who never judge me, but pried me apart, and dug up feelings, and got to know me as much as I know myself, if not better

Who opened me up and left me vulnerable, and never left my side

Who saw me cry and said, it doesn’t mean your weak its because your strong and you’ve been strong for too long

Who saw my scars and who still thought I was the most beautiful person in the world

 

I’m From

People who build me up when I’m down

Who support me no matter what

Who love me and protect me, like I do them

Who are the foundation to my house

Who will never leave and stuck by my side at day 1

Those people are my pack and family, even if they’re not blood

Because blood doesn’t always mean your family

 

Where I’m Really From Is Though

 

I’m From

Watch what you say, hold your tongue

Stay strong, don’t cry it’s a weakness, show no fear

And never share your feelings, don’t be stupid and become vulnerable

Keep your head held high and keep looking forward

Don’t look down and don’t look back

Be a brave soldier

 

I’m From

My father and mother

Who created 3 children together

Who struggled through everything

And everything was our fault when we were there

 

I’m From

Being a lone wolf

Is better, because

You only need to care and worry about yourself

 

 

I’m From

When I breathe, I wanted to feel like there was one good thing inside of me, just one thing

But the memories were too close to me, and haunted me

I’ve never had a real home

I kept running hoping no one would catch me

I kept hiding hoping no one would find me

I’m left to fail, and the longer I’m away, the more I stay the same

I break everything I touch and I come in contact with

I’m a ticking bomb, that’s ready to explode any minute

 

I’m From

I was put to the test and I put your hand in mine so you could feel the emptiness

My chest is cut wide open and there’s no beat, cause there’s nothing left

The scars may heal but I was meant to bleed

All the empty promises I won’t pretend

You need someone to help you solve your problems

But they can’t be fixed if your part of the problem

 

I’m From

I’m still breaking apart

Because I’m still haunted by all the memories

I tried to pick myself up piece by piece, well the pieces I still had, that is

Because I will always be held captive by this hollow empty endless hole inside of me

Always holding back because of the fears that dwell inside of my mind

Forgiving is a battle I can win, but forgetting is a war that I can’t even begin to fight

All my mistakes end up suffocating me

 

I’m From

My battle scars that will never fade

Will never change

Will never go away

My wounds ruined me

Everyone thought that I was this perfect little girl

Who was so happy and carefree

But when you smile for a picture, no ones going to guess to walk through the door in the mind of this perfect sister

 

I’m From

People telling me I’m beautiful

But me saying I’m not

People telling me I’m not fat

But me saying you obviously haven’t seen a good look at me

People compliment me

But me saying there’s better girls than me out there

I deny it not because I don’t want to hear them

Not because I want you to repeat them

But I truly don’t see it

And I truly don’t believe I deserve compliments

I know my own flaws better than anyone else

They keep seeing them standing out more and more

So I don’t see what they see in me

 

I’m From

How do you love someone without getting hurt

How do you love someone without talking to them

How do you tell them what’s really deep inside

How do you tell them the truth, its so hard to do, especially when all you’ve done is always lie

How do you love someone and make it last without tripping and bringing up the past

 

I’m From

Laughing constantly

Being stupid with my friends

School is still my safe haven

Broken

Useless

Empty

Alone

Sad

Hopeless

Pathetic

Lonely

Angry

Stupid

Ugly

Anxious

Defeated

Rejected

Depressed

Tired

Confused

Annoyed

Leave me alone

I’m fine

Its okay

 

I’m From

I had to fight like hell and fighting like hell is what’s made me who I am

Smiling on the outside dying on the inside not giving up even though I’ll never be good enough

 

I’m From

Go ahead, tell me that I’m not good enough, tell me I can’t do it, because I will show you over and over again, that I can

 

I’m From

I hate to ruin the ending,

But everything is going to be okay

 

I’m From

I made it