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No Regrets

my minutes no longer drip lazily
into the hourglass of my life
no, these days they just pour
at an alarming rate

and being here
at this threshold of sorts
I realize what bothers me the most
is all the unspoken words
unanswered questions,
all the unlived moments
and unattained dreams

not to say my life
has been less than lived
but there were too many things
I politely let pass me by
in the name of so many things
that really don’t seem
to be so important anymore

no matter how much I try
to rationalize my actions
or defend my days
I just can’t escape the feelings
of I should have tried harder,
fought braver, lived livelier
and loved fiercer

I should have never let some things
-come to be
and some
-come to pass
I should have held on tighter
-at times
and been able to let go
-when I needed to

and though I stand here
maintaining I have no regrets
these tears raining down both cheeks
seem to be pregnant with exactly that

not for all the yearning aches
and missed possibilities
that are pulsing my soul's lament
here tonight

but for that one moment
forever etched deep within my heart
when a choice had to be made
and I made it based on reason and inconvenience
instead of my truths and absolutes
which is where all true love resides

and in those lonely moments
when you are touching base with me
calling me your best friend
and I’m just glad to still be there
anywhere in your life

I just want to scream out
a verbal assault from all sides
letting you know how much
you actually mean to me
-how much you have always
meant to me
and that all those years ago
I was so wrong

but as I look down at the picture of your
oldest daughter on my desk
I remember why and I tell myself
it was the best thing for all of us

and then I remember
the last picture you sent,
an old one of you and I
with the words ‘what if’
written in red across the bottom

and I wonder if my choice was
really best for anyone..

©LadyRaine