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Monster
Five cuts sliced her skin
as her stinging tears fled
from the confinement of her eyes.
The sudden and numbing pain
slipped through her
like a cold compress
relieving the heat from a fever.
Dark crimson drops dispersed
from the crevices she had created
with the dull and lonely
kitchen knife that now lays
still and silent on the counter.
The drops slide down
her large and ugly thigh
as she takes a napkin
to wipe away the stain,
to press and feel the pain.
The next day she stands
up from her bed and feels;
she feels for the first time
this week from the pain
that she caused to herself.
She can barely look at
herself in the mirror, knowing
how horrible she is, how much
of a monster she is.
She knows that her body
is ugly and the scars make it
uglier, but she can’t stop,
won’t stop because it helps.
It helps her deal with the
overwhelming pounding
of her engorged heart.
....
I haven't felt this way in soo long, it was hard to get myself into the space of this poem, that being said, I found a different space which was beautiful to be in, one where rather then want to pep talk you out of it, I just felt joy in knowing that one day you won't be able to realte to this anymore, and I just felt connection in that last line, it helps her deal with the overwhelming pounding of her engorged heart. It has been about 6 years since my last relapce and at least 11 since I was 'addicted' to this, and in all that time, when it was happening, when it was a battle to keep it from appening, when it was a sickness cured over all but scars, when it was an action by a person I hardly remember anymore....in all that time I have NEVER, EVER, not once, found anyone or any words which actually understood why. Until now.
thank you for your post and for that last line
<3
Much Love
Ashley