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My dream girl
Folder:
To Friends and dreamlovers Flowers planted in a mound
while tears fell to the ground.
All for the girl i never knew.
The beauty in my dreams,
a love so true.
There is no body buried here
i never found my darling dear.
In my mind she always was
until the day when i got buzzed.
All the memories
good or bad
even the heavenly times we had.
wiped out because i got dumb
not thinking about
all the consequenses of my drinking
that were to come.
Crashing into traffic
flying through the air
my scars were nothing
to the loss of my past,
the burden i was about to bare.
Hit in the head
tearing skin
the pavement had no mercy
but my spirit stayed within.
The doctors said i was lucky
and should be happy im alive
but what they just dont understand
is the person i killed inside.
Home after 2 weeks of hospital care
everything i once knew seemed so vague
or wasnt there. Accept my journal
my own personal thoughts
i began to read until
id found part of what id lost.
So now the memories
that were jotted down
within my journal
i found a familiar sound...
that,of her voice.
which now played
in my mind
nolonger hiding in darkness
like a shade.
I made this
trying to remember you by
wondering if you liked flowers
and the blue sky.
each day im out here
Always asking Why.
praying for you to return
with remorse pouring from,
my eyes...
after the big edit...
we're getting better. ill comment more later when im capable of thinking, i promise!
James-
I like this one. You've been improving a lot lately. The topic is quite common but you added a uniqueness to it. I'll do my editing and suggestions here.
Lauren
Flowers planted in a mound
While tears fell to the ground. (keep in the same tense)
All for the girl I never knew.
The beauty in my dreams,
A love so true.
There is no body buried here
I never found my darling dear.
In my mind she always was
Until the day when I got buzzed. (find another word to replace buzzed, maybe something more symbolic)
Crashing into traffic
Without a buckled seatbelt
I flew out through the windsheild
And awoke to find that she was killed. (work on your word choice and it will be beautiful)
All the memories
Heavenly times
Wiped out because
I drank like a swine.
Hit in the head
Tearing skin
The pavement had no mercy
But my spirit stayed within.
So now the memories
I had jotted down
In my journal
I found the sound
Of her voice.
I made this
To try and remember you by
each day I'm out here
with remourse raining from, (you're AMERICAN James, use the American spelling!...remorse haha)
my eyes... (the last two stanzas are choppy compared to the others, is there a reason?)
As a note, if you're going to bother with punctuation and capitalization, carry it throughout the poem unless you're like Emily Dickinson and hyphenate and capitilize really random things. Also, invest in a thesaurus (thesaurus.com) and a dictionary (dictionary.com)...so conveinient! These will help you make sure you're using the best word for what you're trying to say. Keep it up!