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Remembering a pain from long time ago

-a childhood stolen

about the age of four.

A girl who thought

a woman she would be,

if she had the chance to molest me.

For years I’ve blamed myself for the pain.

Not knowing that her ignorance

was the real blame.

Having flashbacks and shit

about this damn bitch.

Now she’s into God—

20 years later she switches.

Later on down the line

boys were on my mind.

Sexin’ ‘em up before my time.

Had this “fine little thing”

-my little “sex machine”.

Lost the title “virgin”

at the age of 13.

    Having babies

        losing babies

           destroying ‘em too.

Too damn young to know the consequences

-didn’t know what this shit could do.

Met a girl-

    fell in love-

       what happened next?

Found myself laying on the floor

with a hand around my neck.

Couldn’t leave she said

-cause I’d surely be dead.

So I went back to men,

trying to fix my broken heart again.

Met a man

    fell in love –

       what happened next?

Found out the boy

just wasn’t a man yet.

Couldn’t pay the bills

but he got his thrills

at the peep show

      -with videos-

cause he thought I didn’t know.

You name it-I can do it-

so I didn’t understand,

why he wouldn’t love me

but he’d fuck the shit outa his hand.

These weren’t all the problems we had

-just a case of “true love” gone bad.

Now four kids later, I’m on my own again.

In a house made for four,

but we got ten.

Bills keep comin’

and I keep cryin’

not a day goes by

that I don’t feel like dyin’.

I struggle each night

to find a reason to live.

And after all these years, yawl,

I ain’t got nothin’ else to give.  

Kaya Nailah Davis ©2000