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dear ocean
you came for me in my past with your salty fingers
tangled in my hair, kissing my neck with silent nebula tongue
whispering to me of space, long untouched stretches
of blue, where a dead mans hair may blow in the breeze
and drift to atoms with no one watching
and the relentless noise of the world
would slow to the changing of centuries
i planned and i planned and i planned and i planned
i had muses- virginia, sylvia
i had reasons that never changed
i had stones to weigh me down and alcohol to knock me out
i had a mother and a father
i had replayed the moment in my mind to accustom myself to saying yes
when the fear became too much for my hands to follow through
when your face became wild, too rough, dark waves in a dark night lacking
romance, where you would tear me apart and give me back bloated,
swollen, unpretty
but in the end i still wanted you
yet another lover came
and i turned away from the shore
for soaring hearts and stones that turned to diamonds in the heat
though i carry you in my chest for days that expand to meet the stars
and though, sometimes, you still crawl up my throat to constrict my mouth in doubt
you cannot claim me
i am for the air on sundays
i am for a snowstorm with fluffy white flakes settling on my window
i am for another day and another try
i am for the streetlight flickering
i am for the blunt peeking through the car window with the burning end flaring in the wind listening to 93.7 on my day off
i am for the wry smile when i'm stuffing long sleeve shirts into my purse at Marshall's
i am for the pain of goodbyes
i am for my best friends promotion
i am for the heartbreak, the impossibility of love lost
i am for a dandelion
i am for the thought of my dog somewhere i will never see
i am for another day and another try
i am for my unmade bed
i am for waking up too early
i am for a pounding hangover
i am for coming back home
i am for the infinite numbness of not truly knowing those closest to me
i am for waking in arms and making love
i am for another day and another try
it might not be enough
in the long run
but every little thing is still a miracle
