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At 14 you walked into the bathroom to discover your father

You opened your mouth no sound escaped you wanted to scream, you wanted to holler

With a shaky hand you removed the needle and became a man

Then at 15 your only comfort from sweaty nightmares was a dusty ceiling fan



You never got to say goodbye

You never got the answers you never knew why



At 16 your mom remarried and you received his rage

He beat the chip off your shoulder, your jaw and your rib cage



At 18 you stabbed a man, a cry for help without sound

So at 19 you joined the Navy to turn your life around



At 20 you had a baby girl and vowed to be the greatest Dad.

You saw a light; and you became grateful for what you had



At 21 you gave your daughter a little brother

But at 27 you discovered your wife on top of another



You slit your wrists, your arm you carved

You hungered for love but instead you starved



At 28 you came into my life

You were overwhelmed by sadness, grief, and strife



I thought I could rescue you

I thought I could save



A naïve attempt to free you and give you more than you ever gave





I built you up you pushed me away

I held on tighter praying you would stay



A whirlwind romance all around

ButI was making love to your history because your wall would not come down



You consumed my thoughts and I felt alive again

But you never asked about my scars

Never questioning who, what, why, or when



Gently my fingers caressed your face

Your brown eyes turned downwards filled with pain, emptiness and disgrace



I kissed your arms where scars remained

As your raw tears streamed down I felt your pain



One night alone in a cheap motel we held each other

I felt closer to you than a newborn and his mother



Inhaling your skin, your smell our bodies meshed

We made love over and over and you took your anger out on my flesh



You grabbed my hair your smacked my ass

You filled me with your tormented past



When the sun began to rise I got scared and felt alone

I wanted to lay in your arms forever and never let you go



I told you I was falling hard

You got quiet, you got scared



The next day I called your house and they confirmed my greatest fear



They said you left for Arizona and would not return

I screamed and asked when I will learn to not get burned



You were my flame and like a moth I was drawn in

To your would of hurt, drugs, violence, and sin



They told me you got to close to love and pointed a gun at your head

But to not fulfill a prophecy you decided to leave instead



You left no goodbye, no words were said



I became dizzy and wanted to scream

A blue black nightmare no wake from this dream



They went on to say you took our hotel key

As a reminder of what might have been but more for memory



But I have no picture, no key, and no closure you see

All I have is hope of your return but that’s a mere fantasy



Thank you for nothing

Thank you for everything



I realize now, you made me see

I could not rescue you from your life at 14



I’m angry because not only did I give you my sexuality

But along with that you stripped my sanity



Now that’s gone out west with you

liked a caged bird with beaten wings you flew



You may return you may come back

But I’ll be gone you can count on that



Now I’ll try to stick the needle in my vein and close my eyes

I’ll see your face and wonder why you left me without goodbye



One question though I have to ask

Why didn’t you let your wall come down and emerge from your mask?



Now all I want to do is die

You were 14, I’m 25



It was your sadness that drew me in

I thought I could erase your pain and let your healing begin



Instead I realized the irony

of your pain being transferred into me



I’m not your savior and now I know

You had to leave you had to go



To face you demons you ran away

But no longer can I keep my own at bay



Maybe I took yours so you’d be free

Now I live a life of misery



My own living hell is the price I’ll pay

For you to have peace and to heal one day



Thank you is in order but from you to me

Because now you’ll never know what I gave up, you’ll never see



As the drug fills my vein I release my grip and say



Please learn to be loved and let go of yesterday



And realize I died so you could live today.