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Haunting memories
Two years ago I was alone
..sitting in my room.
Chatting on the phone,
this pain had not yet consumed...
all of me,
I was fine..
with dan and full of glee,
so glad he was mine.
Nothing hurt me as boys go;
I made them cry.
They'd tell me "i love ya, ya know"...
and back to them i'd lie.
Mom screamed at me all the time,
I shut doors in her face.
Love from my dad wasn't mine,
and I hated every tear I'd taste.
She didn't care what she was making me into,
making me hold my head up high.
Money was all she could give or do,
for me, she only made me cry.
He was never there;
I wondered if he even remembered my name.
I can't express the pain that flared,
When I allowed myself to take the blame.
A year ago I met a guy,
standing there in his living room.
He marched down the steps and looked into my eyes,
they would later be filled with gloom.
Closer and closer we became,
chatting on that phone.
I told him of all my pain,
no longer was I alone.
Soon mom started screaming,
telling me to stay away.
She just didn't understand the meaning,
wasn't what i felt okay?
Dad begged me to leave,
told me to come to his home.
His warning I did not heed,
i stayed and let the boys past seep into my bones.
Soon, the boy turned on me
and began screaming...
Because I was with someone i hardly seen,
and love had somehow found a meaning...
A month ago, I sat in my fathers home,
Sun shining through the window on my face.
Once again I am alone,
no longer understanding my place.
The phone don't ring, he hates me.
His eyes could eat me alive.
Memories fade because I dont want to see...
these things that make me cry.
Mom has been given forgiveness,
my father is shown love.
but where do i stand in all of this?
The only love I got, i shoved.
Maybe it's too much for me...
the anger and the tears.
But the blood thats running, will surely seep..
through and wash away all of those years.
i have read ur stuff n u are a good poet... u seem to express all ur feelings through writing which is good but it is also like ur crying out... dont make the same mistake that i did and dont just keep on w/ the cycle of loving n losing guyz
Jess, i know that cutting yourself and hurting yourself does help with the pain a little. But soon the cutting doesn't do it and the hurting fads away. Then you'll be longing for something else, something more dangerous, it's got a name, it's called death. I only know, because i've done it before and i also know that you can't explain pain, you can't understand real pain unless you've felt real pain.
I know that you have felt it, so have i. But i'm telling you. Don't do it anymore, it will only hurt you in the end. Trust me, if my dad hadn't have caught me, i would have already seen my end.
I know that it seems like the perfect choice, but it's not. Nothing truely ever makes the pain go away. The only thing you can do is learn to deal with. Or find a place to put it. Like me, i put mine in my writings. I hide my soul in there. You need to find a place where you can hide all of your bad memories and stop reliving them.
I love you so much Jess, and i don't want to see you hurting like i myself had hurt. Life sucks i know, but that's no reason to hurt yourself.