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Thinking of thoughts.
Why has my heart
Been relieved of its duties?
Then those turned over to my mind?
I felt that what I’ve known is a farce.
My life is a play that has no end.
A play that enjoys the comic tragedy.
Thoughts of you spring through my mind
While I sit and think to myself.
My head says to love you but I cannot.
Not that I cannot love you,
But that I cannot feel love.
I know that if I could feel I would love you.
If I could love I would feel.
But when thoughts of thoughts are thought upon,
Feelings get canceled out within me.
I laugh, I smile, only to fit in.
I nearly have to make myself.
Sad, how much I must try. Just to realize
That I feel what I do for you.
Love for another has not left,
Though I feel that memory laughing in my face.
Its murky breath filled with mildew
And mold. That which I feel, cannot be felt.
I make masks, to express myself now.
My monotone thoughts flood my eyes.
A tear, not known. One I know no the reason for
Streams down my face, to my heart.
My memories of memories,
Trickle down my face.
They leave me lonely and make my heart dry.
I need to know of the love
Which nobody feels towards me.
I must know of the absence of love.
I have to realize that there is a void in my life,
Unfillable, relentless, one I wish I could end.
Alas that gash torn in my soul,
Cannot be stopped from tearing.
It is like pulling string from a knit quilt.
The slower you pull, the longer
You must know it is deteriorating.
I must end it, stop pulling
At the strings tied to my heart.
I am a puppet. Not to myself,
Not to my mind, nor my heart.
But to the people in life.
Those which mold us into
What they want us to be.
Why can I not be a puppet for you.
Because, when my stings are pulled,
They may snap. I may be let go.
Who’s to know who will get hurt?
Life is funny that way.
And again I am swimming, sinking,
Smiling while drowning,
In the sea I have created for myself.
From those thoughts of thoughts.
For I am thinking of my memories.
Like shining a light into a billion mirrors.
This is like thinking of thoughts.
Like loving you.
