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The pain resolves
... i wish that it would
i am constantly haunted by my past
scars i cant erase, that always last
trying to block it out
to deny the truth
but when you spend your life searching for truth
lying to yourself never works out.
I try to promise myself to stay silent.
I want to scream out, but I never have.
I've been silent. and I will stay silent. an oath.
UnderOath. A moment suspended in time?
try eleven. each of these suspended moments are vivid and real
do i remember the smells? the sounds?
i've tried to block it out.
i remember the cold. the shaking. the fear. the innocence.
i remember feeling powerless. over and over again.
always powerless. always lost. always hopeless. always a victim.
i remember making it a joke. i remember trying to like it.
i remember the physical scars that keep me from escaping the emotional ones.
i remember the names. i remember the faces. i remember the places.
i remember the pain. the cold. the shaking. the fear. the innocence.
these memories scare me. make me paranoid.
fears stem from such moments. strange fears.
strange habits. strange actions. strange desires.
i dont know what i want. i want nothing. i want something.
i search for truth. search for trust. finding...
finding betrayal. invasion. failure. guilt.
is it my fault? i never know. and never will
i feel cold. i am shaking. i am afraid.
I wish i could say I were more innocent.