I've been cursed
with a heart too open,
leaving space to be hurt
time and time again
finding my heart
crushed deep in the dirt.
I've been cursed
with a mind too open
allowing noise to reverb,
allowing confusion
to settle in and
keeping me disturbed.
I've been cursed
with the propensity
to love and trust
immensely
in spite of what my
mind alarms tell me;
here I go again with
my self-perceived stupidity...
But in these things
I've been blessed
with faith and the ability
to give love to friends
and family
with a fierceness
that may not be
seen quite immediately
except by those
with a certain sensitivity
or affinity.
I've been blessed
with the curse of
too much kindness
so as to give my best
to those who may
need it, and yet
even in my own
states of duress,
the openness
that I confess
to be both cursed
with and blessed,
combined with the
kindness
leaves me the ability
to be at peace and at rest
with my diverse set
of family and friends;
also allowing
a state of understanding
for all different states
from pensiveness
to high stress.
So be it cursed
or be it blessed,
I can do nothing
but live my life
to the fullest
as I can accomplish
in spite of the darkness
and in spite of
my own state of mess
(to which I can attest
is a rotating cycle
in my life - a testament
to my human state of
weakness).
I can only be me,
whether for goodness
or worst...
I embrace
myself fully
for better or worse...
For self-love
in its fullness
is a break in the curse
that will hold us
back from
sharing true love
with others.
And if one day
I hope to find
that one to be mine,
I need to treasure
my own body,
soul and mind
to fight for that
gift from the Divine
and help me to
recognize
what's real and
what time I'm
ready to receive
this into my life.
Author's Notes/Comments:
Had a rough day. Needed to vent thoughts and heartache. Heartache for family's loss, my own sense of hopelessness and other thoughts...
Current notes:
I've been thinking about what I keep published here and what I want to keep unpublished for whatever reasons. I thought about this one and I decided to keep this up. It's a great way of expressing one of my beliefs - sometimes our strengths and weaknesses are just two sides of the same coin. It's knowing where the balance tips the scale in terms of whether it's serving as a strength or a weakness. I.E. persistence can be perfect for some things, but becomes blind stubbornness in other cases. It can serve faithfully in a long-term relationship where two people truly want to be together or it can serve as a detriment when the relationship is unhealthy (as I've learned from a failed marriage). (And by two people wanting to be together, I mean it's two people who want to be *together* - not be with an ideal of the person you're with because that ideal isn't guaranteed. You accept the other person in totality, strengths and faults. If they transform of their own accord, then it's icing on the cake, but you don't fight to change that person into the "someone" you want to be with.)
Another great example is the last time I wanted to be with someone - I had to draw the line at the last time I expressed my truth. I won't make the same mistake I've made over and over again, stubbornly persisting where it's fruitless. I can only do so much in one direction. The rest remains up to the other. And in retreating, I've come to light on a lot of things. One thing that's very important is the strengthened belief that I (and everyone else in this world) has nothing to prove to anyone else but one's own self. The only exception to that rule is if you want to be something special to someone and it becomes your choice to determine whether that person is worth proving anything to. And your choice to draw the line and say, "I've done what I can to prove what I can." At that point, you have to turn around and let others make that choice to prove their worth to you.
In the end, you ask the other person, "how bad do you want it?" I imagine one might argue that this goes both ways, but when two people are truly honest about a situation, most of the time the true direction of whose court the ball is in can be easily determined - whether both people have made an equal effort, or if one or the other has repeatedly extended her or his self over and over again. If someone wants something badly enough, they will do everything in his or her effort to make it happen.
Personally, I know that for me, I've overextended myself in many situations only to bear no fruit of it, but the burn. I think that's why I am finally at a place that a man for me is going to be the man for me - he's going to make the effort and show me what I've missed with everyone else in the past. I'm not the one who's going to be consistently pushing for something. After I've seen true sincerity, I'll reopen the walls and give him what he deserves/earns.
-End of Thought Train-
