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Mayor Quimby has a better New England accent than the entire cast of Cheers but he’s also the most corrupt politician in America.  Mayor Quimby makes Bill Clinton and Marion Barry seem like choir boys.  Quimby sleeps around and takes kickbacks from the mob.  If he moved to New Orleans, he’d have no problem getting elected mayor or governor.

But Springfield is a town of decent folk.  It is time to move on to someone better.  Now, obviously Sideshow Bob isn’t the answer.  Besides, he’s been convicted of too many crimes.

Many would facetiously suggest Homer Simpson as mayor.  It’s an interesting choice but not too realistic.  Homer is more of a behind the scenes kind of guy.  Under the bar might be more apt.  His grasp of the English language is less substantial than Dubya’s.  He isn’t really a politician.  Why would you vote for someone just because they seem like they’d be fun to join for a beer?  Homer could outdrink Ted Kennedy but probably not Boris Yeltsin.  That is probably better than most qualification.

C Montgomery Burns would be an interesting candidate.  He certainly has the business savvy and leadership to be a mayor.  If you can run a nuclear plant, you can run a town like Springfield.  Here’s a man with the leadership skills and knowledge for the job but he’s older than Strom Thurmond.  If he kicked in office, it would cost the taxpayers a fortune.

Marge Simpson would make a better candidate than Homer.  She’s smart and fair.  She has managed to run the Simpson household without snapping (although, it has been close at times.)  Marge would be a safe and steady choice.  She knows the issues but she might be a little too uptight for popular response.  He “Hmmmms” aren’t much better than overplayed sighs.

So the search for a candidate goes on.  Principal Skinner is a wimp but this is a mayor’s race not a presidential election.  Groundskeeper Willie is too foreign and most people don’t know a kilt is not a skirt.  Ned Flanders wouldn’t be able to separate church and state.  Krusty the Clown has name recognition but wouldn’t win unless he refuses the answer the cocaine question.

The pickings are getting slim.  Kent Brockman?  Agatha Skinner?  Edna Krabapple?  Chief Wiggums?  Waylon Smithers?  Lenny or Karl?  They seem to have some qualities but are lacking in others.

And then there’s Manjula Nahasapeemapepilan.  Apu’s wife would be the perfect candidate.  She’s smart, witty and looks great in a cheerleader skirt.  Apu is too busy putting in 96 hour shifts at the Kwik-E Mart but Manjula has the time to run a town.  She can handle octuplets and she’s less of a nag than Marge.  But the octuplets would present a problem.  They might gain too many posts through nepotism.

We’ve thrown out some options and haven’t come to a clear cut decision.  But in a pinch, I might just give it to Marge.  She needs to loosen up a bit but when all is said and done, she would still be better for the job than Mayor Quimby.

10-28-00