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JPIOT V 11



Divorce - an ending of a marriage by an official decision in a court of law. I am divorced.  



My ex-husband and I separated November 2004. I gave myself one full year before I filed for the divorce, January 2006. I wanted to be absolutely sure that I wanted to go through with the divorce, and that I wouldn’t have any regrets. Though I do not regret divorcing Jamie, I do wonder at times if I in fact made the right decision for my child. Being the child of divorced parents is hard. I know firsthand.



During the entire year of 2005, I thought long & hard about my decision to separate from & divorce my ex. The effects of the divorce on my child were definitely a part of my thought process. I came to the conclusion that growing up in a single parent household with a loving, dedicated mother was better than growing up in a household with an unfaithful father who was also verbally & mentally abusive. In my opinion that would have been one of the poorest examples of a marriage & family life that she could have been shown. I wanted better than that for her (and myself).



However, I’m not so sure if I was right. At time we were splitting up, my ex felt like I could have been more understanding & stayed in the marriage. He actually said to me that a lot of men do the same things he’d done & a lot of their wives make the choice to stay in their marriages. I agreed with him, a lot of men do the same things he did & a lot of women choose to stay. I’m not one of those women. However, I sometimes wonder if maybe I should have been. Had I not filed for the divorce, perhaps my daughter would still have her dad a part of her everyday life.



BUT what would her everyday life have been like? What would our lives have been like? Jamie and I argued A LOT. A lot of hurtful things were said during our arguments. I didn’t want my daughter growing up seeing that. I grew up witnessing arguments & fights between my parents & did not want that for my baby. I tried & tried to get Jamie to go to counseling, but he refused. I would try to get him to talk to him, to get him to let me know what his wants/needs were but he wouldn’t. With him being unwilling to take action to improve things, I couldn’t see my marriage getting any better & felt that divorce was my only option.



The past four years have not been easy for me & Niya, but we’ve managed. There have been some really rough times; I was out of work for a while, we nearly lost our home, I nearly lost my car, utilities were on the verge of getting cutoff or got cutoff and there have been numerous, costly home repairs. However, with God’s grace we’ve made it through it all, and I believe it’s actually made me stronger. Niya’s not even aware of how bad things have been, and being a child I don’t feel like she should be.



I try really hard & believe that I provide a stable, loving home environment for my child. I know that I’m not perfect but I do my best. My baby has tons of toys, books & movies. She has a beautiful bedroom. She has her little dog (I can’t stand him, but I tolerate him for my baby). I am consistent with getting her to school on time. I make sure she has nice clothes & shoes, and that she’s clean. I make sure she eats a well-balanced, home cooked meal nearly every day. I make sure that her homework is done & she takes a bath & gets to bed on time. I am active in her school & take her to the park to play, ride her bike, & skate. I keep her in extracurricular activities & never miss a practice or event. I get her hair every two weeks & read to her. I encourage & discipline her (when needed).



However, I cannot be the father figure that she needs. Through it all, she still misses her dad terribly. Now that he is a long-distance truck driver, it is even more difficult for her. Over that past couple of years, he dad had been pretty consistent with getting her every weekend. She’d gotten used to it & looked forward to her weekend visits. Me too.  Now that his schedule is so unpredictable, she goes weeks without seeing him, and is never sure of the exact day he’ll be in town to pick her up.



It hurts me to see her hurt. And it frustrates me when I can’t do anything about it. Her dad has been gone almost four years now, but it seems that it’s getting harder for her as time goes by, while it’s gotten easier for the adults (well me anyway). I believe as she gets older she the more she realizes that she misses out on not having a dad in her daily life. Also, I believe as time goes by, it becomes a reality that mommy & daddy are not getting back together. To add insult to injury, my ex is now married to the woman he was having an affair with.  Him, her & their child have the ‘family life’ that my child wants & needs. She often says she doesn’t get to see her dad alone, but that the other little girl gets him to herself all the time when Niya’s at home with me. I’ve told him this & asked him to try to spend some alone time with her. Through his actions, and my decision she has been forced to go from seeing her dad every day from the day she was born to seeing him on weekends, to seeing him whenever he has time.



Last night she cried when he told her he wouldn’t see her as planned, but that she’d have to wait another couple of days. She tried not to, but she couldn’t help it. I could tell she was sad when she hung up the phone with him; her voice was cracking. I just hugged her & let her cry. I cried too.



I’ve gotten to the point where I feel guilty getting a babysitter or taking her to friends/family so I can go out. Sometimes I feel like she’s already down to one parent, so I should spend as much time with her as possible. I’m left asking myself if I made the right decision. It kills me to feel like I cause my child pain. I truly put my all into marriage & feel that I exhausted myself & my resources in an attempt to improve it. In my opinion, it was irrevocably broken, and my only options were to stay in an unhappy, hurtful marriage or to file for a divorce & try to make a better life for my daughter & myself.  



In essence my ex somewhat blames me for the divorce; regardless of the fact that his actions caused me to seek out a resolution to our marriage. Being as though (according to him, a lot of men do what he did), he feels that the decision to divorce was all mine & that I didn’t necessarily have to make that choice.



Had we stayed together, I wonder who would have been responsible for explaining his affair & ‘other’ child to our daughter. Though the divorce is really hard or her, how would she have taken that? What would have been her perception of marriage/men? I’ve already heard her say she’s never getting married because men cheat on their wives. I explained to her that not all men are like that, and there are some really good men out there (unfortunately there are few examples for her to actually see). But I point out my sister’s marriage & a few others. Hopefully she’ll be able to see that in our own household as well. Before I didn’t think getting remarried was something that was imperative. However, I would love to be able to provide my baby with a firsthand example of a loving, healthy, happy marriage.  She already knows the pains of divorce, and I feel she deserves to know the joy of true love.



I’m not sure if our talks are enough or if I should put her in therapy or find a divorced kids group or something. I just worry about her & pray that she’s alright.



What are your thoughts?