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I have become disfigured.
My soul finds pleasure in mentally choking on my own suffering.
A pain that won't seem to surpass. Its been more then a decade & I have successfully been able to pretend within the means of reality as if it doesn't exist & as if it doesn't effect me. Yet in the mist of this dark room only if these walls could talk.
You who is reading this I wish for you to close your eyes and vividly picture a person completely lost obliviously, a broken soul curled up in fetal position rocking attempting to comfort itself. Eyes blood shut red from endless tears falling almost reminding me of a old proverb.. tears wasted on something that can not change is no different then the piss you pee "trash/ waste GARBAGE". And the only thing that's is being accomplished is allowing me to feel the wrath of a brokenheart bringing endless tears to this face. How can one get over this? Sure its easy to say "give it time"..best thing to get over something is to get under something else...its been almost 10 yrs.. I have moved on...and yet still can't shake it.
Am I lying to myself about loving my own...no
Though it is safe to say..the love I have for her..is Nothing compared to what I feel for "her"..
It can't be replaced..it can't be revised..it can't be forgotten.. trust me I have tried.
I have begged, cried, sought out professional help,prayed, spoken to friends, wrote endless amounts of closure letters, said I would let it go, pretended it never happened, act like I don't feel it..basicly lied to myself so I can atleast maintain or survive.
I no longer live... I no longer love..I no longer care.. all I want is to forget.
Forget her name..her face..her smile..her voice.. her laughter.. her embrace.. her comfort.. the love.. her affection.. her secrets... the way we met.. the endless amount of time invested.. the times together.. and even more..I wish to forget the effect she has over me.
I grow weak to the though of her.. I find myself seeing her in my dreams waking to a reality I wish not to be in.. hoping to stay dreaming simply because I don't want a moment away from her.
I am beyond confused.. of what unconditional love is supposed to be.. I'm beyond fucked up to even explain..if what I'm feeling is good or bad.. emotionally I'm drained..mentally torn.. physically well might as well say I have gained weight..some would call ths depression..others may call it obsession..and other well.. call it being a hopeless romantic.
I call it all bullshit and fake because if what I felt was real..then it wouldn't hurt like this. Don't get me wrong love hurts but not to the point of self-distruction. And if she loved me..as it was meant & intended.
I wouldn't be feeling this alone so is it safe to say..I was the idiot to fall for someone who didn't knw herself.