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The Thoughts that kept me out of Jail, but placed me in a Padded Room.



By E. Erwin





Warning: The writer of this vulgar humor is not liable, nor responsible for the following symptoms:



Explosive diarrhea, ideas spawned from the material, epileptic seizers, nausea, death, suicidal tendencies, assisted suicide, mayhem, destruction of public or private property, pussy farts, in grown hairs, balding, bleeding of the eyes, stigmata syndromes, stigmatism, hairy palm syndrome, violent vomiting, uncontrollable bowel movements, heartburn, crabs, syphilis, chlamydia, the cock rot, water on the knee, anal leakage, gas bubbles, drooling, hypothermia, hurt pride, crushed beliefs, ritual sacrifice, ritual suicide, painful discharges, cancer, pecker queefs, mercury poisoning, vengeance, mass hysteria, mal-nourishment, sex deprivation, sexual tendencies, dehydration, hatred, rage, depression, chills, vaginal discharge, gano-syphil-herpal-AIDS, mass hysteria, self-righteous suicide, convulsions, strokes, heart-attacks, envy, misery, sexual side-effects, glaucoma, brain aneurism, ulcers, flatulence, burning of eyes, sinful acts of hostility, bladder infection, poor use of condoms, pre-martial pregnancy, asphyxiation,  castration, and vandalism.



The writer is responsible for:



The foreshadowing of our unearthly demise;



Other than that, fuck off.







        Everyone drinks at least once in their life; those that do it regularly are dependents on it.  Many of these people have kids at home and tell them, demand from them, not to drink… why?  You seem to be a coinsurer of sorts, so why not involve your kid as well?  Trust me on this; abolish the drinking age law for one.  The second; take them out to a bar when they are 13 and get ready to have the time of your life.



Everyone knows not to mix their darks with their lights, right?  Might as well teach your kids that.  Buy them a shot of vodka, then whiskey, then vodka, and you do this for about 3 shots of each.  When you get home, it’ll be like the scene from “The Exorcist,” vomit will fly everywhere; their stomach will be in pain, and the next day.  The next day, you have them clean up the mess they made with their toothbrush, while they are still experiencing the wonders of hangovers.  Do you really think they’ll want to drink after that experience?



Ever hear a woman say this;”Well, he’s really nice when he’s sober.” Bullshit!  Being drunk and scared have the same principles, it shows the real you.  So if you’re an asshole drunk, you are an asshole! If you’re funny and upbeat when you’re drunk, you are so when you’re sober.  Everyone hides it when they aren’t drunk though, I don’t.  I’ll tell you I’m an asshole that can be funny, and I have no problem tearing away at a person’s ideal beliefs in life.



Another thing that parents like to protest; is cigarette smoking.  They think it derives from a Camel in sunglasses or friends telling them it’s good for you. Bullshit!  Kids smoke for two reasons: Either they are stressed, or anxious about certain things in their life, like for instance their dad likes to blow the cat and punch “mommy” in the forehead repeatedly.  I think nicotine might help cope with that.  Another would be for attention.  Maybe the kid is jealous of the cat getting blown and he isn’t.  Stop blaming everyone else and take the blame you so righteously deserve.  



One more protest I cannot stand, and families that do this should be taken out to the woods, drenched in honey, and locked in a small room with a bear that’s high on LSD, weed, and crack.  Parents who use the V-Chip feature on their remotes, and televisions, and expect it to work.  “My kid is safe, because I’ve blocked out TV14 ratings, and TVMA and rated PG-13 movies, and rated R movies.  Now they won’t watch the horrible images that are on television.  I feel so responsible now.”  Oh yeah, well did you happen to lock out the discovery channel and the news channels while you’re at it?  No?  Then fuck you and the damn whore you rode in on!  Real life is much worse than what Hollywood or any other franchise can produce.  Plus, you’re kids have friends, right?  They can just go over there and watch the shit you don’t want them to see!  Dumb, fucking, idiotic, self-righteous yuppies; I hope you all burn in hell!  How stupid can you be? And besides, did you always listen to your parents?  And if you say yes, remember back to the days when you were high all the time, drunk, and getting gang-banged by the local football team, and then re-answer the question.  Fucking hoes’.  



My main focus on this segment; is of course, parents.  Fighting for a drug free country, fighting for no violence, fighting for this and that, and while your off fighting for everything: your kid, your sweet, little angel is outside in the backyard; with a smoke in one hand, a beer in the other, a bong on the ground next to him, and getting head from his girlfriend with the vibrating tongue ring, the kid really knows how to pick his cock suckers.  You want to solve a problem in this country? Then raise your fucking child!  Shit, I’ve watched violent movies since I was five years old, not once did I ever attempt to do anything I saw in those movies, you know why?  My parents would actually talk to me about those things!



It’s either my generation that’ll blow up this world, or the next one will just light the thing on fire.  I’m leaning more to the next generation though.  My reasoning behind this is if you look how the generations go from the 40’s and 50’s to now, you’ll see why.

Kids that were born in the 50’s mainly grew up in the hippie ages, and when the hippies were in power (some still are), our economy went to shit.  Then you have the yuppies, as the government continues to fall down the spiral stair case, you hit us.  High drop out rate, high crime rate, high pre-marital pregnant rate, high rape rate, and just plain high.  I feel if things keep going the way they do, which it will; hell shall walk the Earth once more.  If parents think we’re bad, whoa!  Wait until the next generation comes to power, you’ll notice a lot of changes, and maybe we will finally announce the dictatorship that we live in.



Another thing I’m having a hard time understanding is why drug possession is 15 to 20 years, yet statutory rape is only 5 years.  My reaction is…why!?!  Are we that ok with rape?!  I don’t know about you, but if five guys jump me, and take turns turd burg luring my ass, or if I was a woman, raping me in a “normal” sexual way, I think I have earned the right to castrate every last one of them, don’t you?  It’s only fair.  Rape, its no wonder that everybody in this country is fucked up.  That’s like letting Charles Manson off with a warning!



A phrase in getting sick of is “in a heterosexual way.”  I love that record… in a heterosexual way.  Well, what other way is there?!  It could only be homosexual if you were another male record! You dumb fucking, yuppie asshole!  I am tired of all this homophobic non-sense; it is our right in this country to find happiness.  It is your right by law, to be who you are.  If we can have religion is this country, we should be able to have sex the way we want within reason.  Fucking the Olson twins is just not right, nor natural.  



        Banning gay marriages is just stupid, just another way for the man to keep people down, especially if it’s a minority within a minority within a minority with yet another minority, example a gay, Jewish, black, midget.  There is nothing wrong in my eyes about creed, race, height, or sexual preference. It’s just life, but to a racist or a Neo Nazi, it is a field day; just what they have been looking for in their sad, pathetic, and down right ignorant existence.  Granted, laws are in affect that racism is illegal, but try telling that to certain law enforcement people, and red necks, and people of that low caliber.  Not demeaning all police, just the ones who like shoving giant objects, such as a floor lamp, up minority person’s ass when they arrest them.



        So, another question I have is if you're going to band gay marriages, why don't you just round them all up, huh?  Yeah, heard them all into camps, and work the age groups of 20's-40's to death, and then burn their bodies. If they happen to be younger or older than that, have them dig a pit and shoot them, then just fill up the hole, and move on to your next abomination.  While you're at it, put up an Axis flag, start goose-stepping everywhere, and call the people who round them up the Ghestapo; you cock-sucking, anal fucking, Neo Nazi, rat bastards!  I hope you all fucking choke to death on your dad's fucking milimeter peter!      



Times are tough though, cost of living goes up because of gas, war, bigotry, the result of which is that reckless hatred consumes us all.  Whether we notice it or not, it is within us, yeah, I joke about it, but the difference is I don’t take it seriously, people who treat it as a life or death situation will die too many times to carry on.  Like me, I used to be like that, until my humanity died. Fuck everything and every one, even your dog will feel the burn of my dick. What? Never said that I was completely sane, then again I never remember being “normal”.  Even though, the fact remains, that no one is normal, we are all different, but yet the same, we are the same in the sense that we all bleed red, and we all will eventually die.





        And one more thing that pisses me off about this, most guys that don’t like homosexuals fuck their girlfriend’s in their ass.  So how is it any different?  It’s an asshole, you fuck it, and you’re probably gay too!  Another thing is that if a guy gets head, and the woman swallows, what does the guy do right afterwards? He French’s Her! Some guys will try to justify it, it came from me, and it’s a part of me.  Then why bother with the girl?  Learn how to give yourself head and cut out the middle man, get it?



Religion, I have figured this out. George Carlin is right, it is a bunch of bullshit, but I have figured out why it was started in the first place.  It was made so you would have a place to go and recover from that keg party on Saturday night.  Think about it, what’s easier to listen to? A loud, obnoxious, high pitched asshole, or a monotone, low toned, soft speaking person, telling you that “God” will forgive you as long as you’re sorry?  Hmm… the choices.



        Also, it was a way for Priests or Bishops to hear sexual stories, because no matter how secretive you are; if you are very religious, you will tell them every detail.  So while their whacking off to your night at the bar when you picked up 15 guys and played who’s in my mouth; just tell him that you bit one cock so hard, that you took the head right off.  Nothing like that being uttered around men though, they’ll lose all hope for sex in a heartbeat.



        This country is very sad in the aspect that it can talk shit all day long to every country, and try to take it over against its will.  As we learned, it doesn’t always work.  Sure we fought for our land that we stole from the Native Americans, you know; the dying race, and sure we helped end World War 1 and 2.  After those glorious days of pillaging, raping, castrating, or just plain exterminating everything; our reign of invulnerability wore off.  Korea, Viet Nam, and such wars proved we became lazy and too dependent on our technology to save the day… never did.  Instead we ended in debt, millions dead, beyond thousands upon thousands mentally or physically wounded, and passed it on to the next generation: our parents.  This in its own way caused them to be more likely to be less strict upon us in punishment and responsibility.    



        The saddest thing of all, are when people come on television: who claim to be professional foreign affairs people, and say that a country is this and that and it is always stereotypical bullshit.  I say if that’s the way you want to be, we will air your broadcast to the country you’re talking shit about, give them your age, a picture, and aliases you might go by and send you on a one way trip to that country.  Think anyone will really care if a bunch of guys beat the fuck out of you with a spachela in broad daylight? Shit, a police officer is more likely to come to the scene of the crime to put a bullet in your head, you know, to make sure you aren’t playing opossum.  



        Another problem, suing people in this country.  Doesn’t anyone realize that the money you get from the state had to be pulled out of something, and they never think twice about taking away money for education.  You fucked the economy, robbed kids of their education, and morally did wrong to any code of honor or pride amongst your fellow man.  When you are in a back alley, and you get shanked up the ass with a knife, tongue ring ripped out, a 12 gage barrel shoved into your mouth, while the other two do a saucy puppet show; do you really think anyone will try to save you?



         One last thing on the subject, apparently: Friendly nations, like Canada are being ridiculed because they wont help us out in a fight of stupidity, nor stop trades with countries we don’t like.  I say go Canada, and I will think about moving there someday.  I still don’t get why some people think all Canadians are running around on dog sleds, or that.  Just a bunch of ignorant yuppie, asshole, bullshit.  If we ever start a war with Canada, remind me to move to Canada AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!  Everyone will take their back, because they are a peace loving country; you give me a piece of pussy, and I’ll have a coke and a smile.  Dumb ass people, thinking that we are the only reason Canada doesn’t pick fights is because we are here to protect it, and they want to make sure we will aid them.  Bull-fucking-shit!  Canada doesn’t pick fights because they do not have to prove themselves, nor do they have the military that we do; few numbers, with high-tech shit that doesn’t even work most of the time!  Stop being a bigot, and pull your head back until you hear a loud pop, that’s your head going back in your pee hole, and out of your ass.



        How about this then, stop complaining about everything, or better yet; go to that country you don’t appreciate, and tell everyone you meet just how you feel and view them as a person.  When you get your testicals’ cut off, and made into earrings for the dude’s girlfriend; don’t come bitching to me or I will throw salt onto the wounds, and then kick you in the knee cap with my steel toe shoes, you insignificant prick of an asshole.    



Honestly, I do love this country, but it just needs to get its act together.  If you look at our European allies, low crime, low pre-marital sex, low everything.  Why, you may ask me; why, why not us? We are too nice, that’s why.  Crime. Fuck it I say just shoot them for murder, castrate for rape, and let them get high.  Now for sex and things along those lines, it’s human nature to be curious about your body and other people’s body, as long as their willing.  One way would be to get rid of this FCC bullshit.  One thing, they were not elected to be made; second point, is that it is against the first amendment: Freedom Of Speech.  



        Why it was made though, because one person was offended by something he heard.  Well, there is a good basis for a company to ruin it for everyone in this country.  If a law or company was made for everything that everyone got pissed about, this country would not exist, and we’d all probably be speaking some obscure language, because someone would have invaded us!  Some people in this country are too whiny and too stupid to fathom what it would be like not to give a shit about what happens in life.  Life is not that hard to understand, nor is it too hard to live it.  Breath, get up, shower, go to work, eat three meals, go to the bathroom, pay bills, buy food, and maybe have sex.  What is so difficult to understand?  So you don’t get what you want, well since when does anyone really know what they want in life?



        Anyway, back to the sex topic.  I think if we were like Europe in this aspect, of showing violence, no censors, and lesbians having a group orgy to sell Orange Juice; I think kids would understand that yes sex is fun, but there is a limit.  Plus, imagine how much more products would sell.  The thing is though kids will have been around sex since they were born then, and they won’t really crave it as much as the deprived generations do.  Shit, if you really wanted to get them used to that kind of stuff, have them watch the Discovery Channel.



Television is overrated these days.  Everything is the same old garbage over and over again, just with different names.  That’s all they even try to do anymore, just change the names. The funniest thing is most people cannot tell that it is the same thing again.  So with that kind of boredom, most of us turn to the net for entertainment… Porn.  



        Pornography is kind of a contradiction if you think about it.  Guys see a sexy woman on TV and pray; “Oh please take it off, please play with yourself,” never happens.  Meanwhile in porn, we know what’s going to happen, we know they are going to fuck, and we know they’re going to spit or swallow.  You’d think it would actually be less of a turn on then, because where’s the fun in knowing?  I say virgins are more fun than porn because it is a challenge, it might happen, it might not.  That, and you can train them up to do what you want, and they’ll think its how everyone does it.  Be careful though, some might talk to their friends who have had sex, which just ruins it.



Diets are a funny concept, I say concept because people actually die on them.  And the newest one, eat meat and lose wait… right.  The only way that would work is if you spent 7 days tracking it and killed it with only a rock, a toothpick, and a rubber band.  It might be a little difficult for the ordinary person, but I’m sure the kids will figure it out.  If they can open child proof containers, and program your computer by age 4, they’ll find a way to kill it.  



        Another thing people, you need carbs to live.  Look at Italians, they eat a lot of it, why are 90% of them thin?  They don’t use many cars! They bike, they walk, they exercise, and we are too lazy to stay thin for long.  Even if you did get to your goal weight, you would just start snacking again and bam! Your ass will no longer squeeze through the door, not even after you Crisco the door frame.



The way to loose weight if you don’t want to exercise is to cut back on eating a little, not going anorexic, nor becoming a bulimic, that’s just trying to get a morphine drip and an IV.  You know, it is good to watch what you eat, but trying to kill yourself is not going to help.  



Suicide is a little funny to me, hell my life’s been fucked up and I’m still here, because I’ve learned that you can’t always get what you want, when you want, how you want.  It’s just a law of life, it’s a part of being alive, and it is one lesson of life.  People who do commit suicide are sad, pathetic people who don’t deserve to live anyway.  They never see what they have in front of them.  They never see those that do care for them, people who will help them, and they don’t understand that life is pain.  



        That’s what makes us unique: Pain, fear, hate, jealousy, misery, envy, love, compassion, romance, and many other emotions we all experience in a day, in a week, and in our lifetime.  The two biggest factors of life are choice and free will.  Without these, emotions could never exist. Without these, there would be no point in living.  Without these, we wouldn’t have an inner spirit or soul or whatever you may call it.  It’s apart of our daily lives;”Well, I could go for a walk, or I could get shit faced and fuck the neighbors wife.” Or another prime example: “Should I watch dad give head to the cat, while punching mommy in the forehead repeatedly, or go smoke my doobie I have been saving for a rainy day…. Hmmmm… I think I’ll just go have a smoke.”



        Choices, that’s what it is all about, and most of the time we take it for granted, we never think it through.  We make a bad choice, what do we do?  If you’re like me, you dwell on it for a small amount of time and move on.  If you’re a depressed, psychotic, over zealous, maniac, you are going to live in the past and die in the past.



        As long as you learn some kind of lesson from it, you are doing great.  Life will continue to move on to the next choice, and the next, and so on.  As long as the lesson isn’t hey, killing people can be fun.  At least warn me so I can get out of your killing range and watch from a lawn chair, while eating popcorn, and slamming back a shot of Jagermeister.  



        I find death amusing, though losing a loved one is hard, they have it better than you think.  I say be happy, laugh a little, we are all going to die eventually; I’d rather die knowing that people will celebrate my passing than mourn it.  We don’t know exactly what is waiting for us, but as long as you live well, there should be no fear.



Me? I put myself into so many odd situations, that I wouldn’t be surprise if I woke up one morning in at age 19, in the middle of a seizer, trying to walk down the halls, trip over a railing, while trying to grasp exposed wires.  Knowing my luck, ill grab them, continue to fall, and land in a water fountain.  At least I’d give people a hell of a show; they’d be talking about that forever.  Maybe I’ll even get lucky enough to get a standing ovation.  That’s all I hope for, to go out and give everyone a show that they would be talking about forever.  



        Fearing death is just one of those mortal worries.  How do you know you won’t be happier in death? A place where a man can get head all day, or a woman gets the attention she rightfully deserves. To drink beer and get drunk without a hangover, and everyone you ever knew that you liked as a friend or otherwise was there to just hang out and chill.  Does that sound so bad?  Then again, if I was an asshole of a business man, I would fear death.  Roasting on an open fire for all the pain and hardship I caused, being gutted with a Fondue fork, and stabbed in the neck with a blow torch.  I’d be trying to live forever.



But I know that even in death, people would still complain about heaven.  That’s all people like to do, complain about anything and everything.  I think most of them shouldn’t be allowed into heaven, doesn’t seem right that someone who ruins another person’s fun should be allowed there.  Depending of course on what “fun” the person was having. Raping someone with a knife is ok to complain about.  Complaining about someone liking the Brady Bunch is ok.  Someone complaining about smokers is not ok, so I hope that heaven has a bullet proof glass window on the floor; that lets you see hell.  I can’t wait to see the makers and actors of those Truth commercials burning down there.  



I don’t need people telling me smoking is bad for me, I know that. How do I know this? I know how to read the warning labels, the question is do I give a shit?  No.  Why don’t I?  There are over 6 billion ways to die in this world, about 100,000 includes just typing this thing right now.  I choose my death, slow and painful.  I want to remember everything God damn it!  What’s the fun in dying if you don’t know its happening?  There are certain situations where it isn’t fun to know you are dying; family worries, friends worry, and the IRS worries that they won’t get anymore money from you.  I have already expressed how I view death, so I will not explain again, asshole.



Music is another item people blame; I’m still trying to figure out why, so maybe one day they’ll be nice enough to send me an e-mail.  They blame lyrics for changing kids, maybe it was you punching them in the back the head when they ever showed free will, ever think of that?  Music doesn’t change people, ideas do.  Doesn’t mean it’s the bands fault, the child could have been crazy to begin with.  People don’t tend to think of that one. Nah, might make too much sense, because then they wouldn’t have anything to blame for it.  Then again, with some of these yuppie assholes running around they might try to blame it on voodoo, or Charles Manson; I blame PCP.  And there is no point in telling the child not to listen to it; he’ll want to listen to it more.  Want to know how to stop them, start liking it.  Kids find parents un-cool, so if you like it, they’ll move on.



I feel that everyone should learn how to play at least one instrument in their lifetime; the reason for this is that music actually does help to learn math and can help in the learning process for language arts and organizing.  I say this because if you make up a tune for the fun, you may want to put words to it; which would expand your vocabulary in a sense, well at least structuring.



I say organizing, because writing the music, tabbing it out, and being ready to perform; do you know how much it sucks when you are on the wrong page?  I do.  I always make mistakes like that… then again I always have been down right slow at those things, like a retarded monkey that goes moo.  Something is deeply disturbed about that monkey.



        Romantic songs; no such thing.  They wrote it for one reason, to get pussy.  You play it for one reason, to get pussy or dick or whatever you maybe after.  The only thing that would ever worry me is if a van pulled up that played the ice cream man song and the driver is wearing a ski mask!  Shit, dude could probably get 15 kids a block that way.  That’s why I’d buy ice cream for the house, no need for them to go outside for it then.



I do like kids, not in a sexual way, but they can be hours of entertainment.  As long as they are raised right, seeing is how I don’t have any; that way I can give them back, I’m fine with kids.  You teach them things; such as how to make the ultimate sandwich and such.  But I cannot stand it when parents won’t let their kid’s day dream, if they attempt it, they are in big trouble.  Do you know how much fun it is to just stand in the corner?  Our first punishment given out; a field of day dreams, they can just stare at the wall and see shapes and animals, or maybe day dreaming of killing someone dear to them; hours of non-stop entertainment there.



So a question I bring up, why is it that if a kid has an imaginary friend, they are being creative, and if an adult does it, they are clinically insane?  If that’s the case, psychiatrists should be talking to these bible beaters.  There has been no proof, except the word of someone else; that God exists.  I’m a fact person of sorts, show me a sign that he really is there.  I’ll even give an example; if he is there, may he strike this reader dead!  See? Nothing happened, you’re still alive, no pain or anything, I know this because I’m looking through your window right now, with a video camera, in a bug bunny suit, and a steel dildo.  What? Never said I was sane.



Another issue about raising kids; we need to change this stupid ass school system around that we have.  Ever know what it is like to be sitting in a class going, “we learned this last year, and it still doesn’t make any practical sense.”  You want kids to pay attention in class?  Hire hot teachers that will hold up a math problem, and if they get the right answer, she lowers the card, and the answer is written on her tits, ok?  Never know, it might just work, boys/males will do just about anything to see some nice, round, beautiful, untainted, non-saggy tits.  Everyone loves tits though.



My psychotic hatred with school systems are that the teachers don’t really even try anymore.  They use phrases, and situations that would never, ever happen in real life, and expect us to believe that we will use this knowledge one day.  The only way you’ll ever convince me of that, is if you referred fractions to weed.  Think about it, you start with one (or a pound), and then someone takes half of it, what do you have left?  Isn’t that a lot nicer than, “Ok, you have a cucumber,”…what the fuck?! “You cut it perpendicular to the line of scrimmage, while removing the peeling, which consists of 1% of the vegetable. Then you divide that by the amount of liters of corn syrup you use to soak it in.”  Oh yes, I know this is important… if I ever wanted to shove a cucumber up my ass, I know what division of the hole cucumber I have up my ass and pee hole.  What?  Never said what my sexual fantasy was.  Give me a cucumber and some corn syrup and I’m a happy man… right; I’ll leave that one up to Mike.  He is a little fucked up like that.



You know what I learned in school?  If you see a live round lying on the stairs, fuck everyone else, go home immediately!  Fuck everyone else, life has enough stress in it, without trying to play hero and taking two in the chest as your medal of honor.  I say fuck you, if you are too dumb to notice these things, you shouldn’t be living at all.  You have to have common sense. “Hmmm… well, here is a bullet, and there have been a lot of school shootings lately; people are dead, families are ruined…. Hmmm, I wonder what happened on Huraldo last night… I’m kind of hungry too…. Well, back to my original thought, if there is a bullet, maybe a gun had this attached to it, near the firing pin… I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”  See? Normal, common sense of a teenager… well, if the teenager has common sense that is.



Finally, George Carlin’s dream came true in Arkansas, guns in church.  The funniest part is that they did call him a disgruntled worshiper!  What can I tell you, George is the man, duder.  I think he has an insight with the supreme being, or he is simply just telling us we are that easy to figure out.



So what if God didn’t exist, where would we go? Would we still go to a place of serenity, with angels and majesty of the after life?  Well, that is one theory, and it does sound quaint, but what if all that happens is our soul returns to the planet.  Bare with me, I know it sounds like something out of a Final Fantasy game, but what if?  That’s a question that could ruin a lot of things in life.



What if? What if we were already dead, and just reliving every moment and second of our lives?  Then again it would explain why we forget a lot of things.  Maybe we are reaching back trying to change our lives for the better, or just fucking around with our choices… ever think of that?  Probably not; just for the simple fact that the average person has more of a life than I do.



Now we’re going to talk about relationships (anyone who knows me will know what I’m talking about).  Ever notice that if you, the male or female, does something the other person doesn’t like, they go off and do it and a little more and expect you to be ok with it?  Fuck that! What makes them so special, that they can get away with it?  Nothing, but the simple fact that they think they are saints and that it doesn’t apply to them as well.  Fuck you, and go shove a 50 foot dildo up your ass sideways, you fucking cunt whores.  As an example let’s say you go to hang out with your older brother and drink, and your significant other gets pissed… well, what do they do?  They go out and drink, and blow your brother and about 15 other people; including a goat, a reverent, a toothless hockey player, and some fucking coke head for all you know.  Now, which one is more severe?



Granted some people wouldn’t be bothered by this, but then they lie to you about it, thinking you’ll never find out.  Oh yeah, well unlike most people, my friends and I communicate.  Somehow slitting the significant other’s throat at that point, with an olive fork, just seems too good for them.  You want a relationship to work?  Don’t be so fucking hypocritical all the fucking time and maybe no one will get sick of you after a day.  Sorry but I’m a guy and even when I’m drunk, and there is perfectly good beaver in front of me, even I ask a few questions before I have a midnight snack:  “Am I dating anyone?”  “Does she have any diseases?” And, “Where’s the chocolate sauce, French tickler, whip, and chains?” I mean is it that hard to ask yourself those questions?  If it is, please put a gun to your head, and pull the fucking trigger, and stop the drama.  I’m a guy for fuck’s sake, a guy and even I can do it.



They always want you to meet their family… like it fucking matters.  Family will die before you do, so what’s the point?  I hate other people’s families, they’re usually assholes, not that the person I was dating wasn’t, that was just good sex though.  By the way, if you find that offensive, go blow your fucking dog for quarters, alright?  Better yet, slit your own throat, and do it in front of me so I can steal your kidneys afterwards and sell them on the black market.   What? Got to make a profit off of your dumb ass somehow: anyway, other people’s family’s suck.  They are always more messed up than your family…well, except Mike’s family, they’re pretty weird, but in an interesting way.  



So, two years go by, you’ve been dealing with the hypocritical bullshit, because you think you can fix it… you can’t asshole! Move on now, or you’ll just want something very sharp to jut up your ass while being shot in the temple, at close range, with a 50 caliber sniper round… talk about a mind fuck.  Then you break up because you feel more in love with an ex than you do your current girl, but you decide it is best not to date either.  Then you realize, hey, I’ve become my parents.  The struggle continues.



Next thing you know, your new ex keeps playing you, and playing you, until finally, you snap.  You blow up, and suddenly, you go nice to the asshole they created.  Which is fine with me, anytime that someone is miserable, I’m a happy fellow.  Then you realize you are all alone, well at least you get more master bating time, maybe you’ll actually feel something for once.  Then you see her with her new boyfriend, and you feel pity for the poor soul… what?  I’m not talking about the whore, I’m talking about the new guy!  Holy shit, is he in for a ride of hell!  Maybe you should give him a broken glass bottle to poke the bitch a couple of times in the forehead when she gets out of line, or drags her teeth when she’s giving him head.



War, this happens because no one gets along with us, and I don’t blame them.  War is just that, war.  I cannot remember who said this; but one day, war will be declared and no one will show up for it.  This I can see happening, but as Einstein said, “I do not know what weapons will be used in World War 3, but World War 4 will be fought with rocks and sticks.”  That’s if anyone survives the 3rd world war; because I feel if we reach that point, we are all fucked.  Knowing my luck, I’ll be in a bunker that’s protected against a nuclear attack; have plenty of canned food in it, and I’ll forget the fucking can opener.  Well, that’s just my luck.



Alright: the difference between World War 2 and Viet Nam.  World War 2 just fought because of the Nazi Axis power becoming increasingly hostile and trying to take over half of the world’s population to force us to surrender.  In this action, since if Hitler would have conquered Russia, he would’ve been able to launch several attacks upon the continent of Asia, plus an easy launching base to attack Canada and the United States.  In that instance the world would be gone, and so would free thought and the right to live.  But since we, America, sent supplies and men to our allies, plus launching our own attacks in Africa, Italy, France, Norway, Holland, and Germany itself, we basically ran the war, but we could not have won without the resistance groups within these countries, so I applaud them and their will to stand for what was right, and to die for it.  They were the bravest men in the world. Hmmm, I think maybe some people in this country should learn that freedom comes with a price; according to a reliable source (Team America); it costs about a buck-o-five. Anyway, back to the matter at hand.  Everyone who fought in that war; was treated with respect, held in high honor and regard, and since we were initially attacked, the population was all for the war. The total deaths we had were about 500,000 in 1 year.   Damn exploding flamethrower men, well, it could’ve been worse I suppose, we could’ve lost the war.  



Now, Vietnam.  We were not attacked first, but it was to save Southern Vietnam from the “commies” which we found unacceptable, at least the government did.  The population did not support because of the draft and many other factors.  In 12 years we had lost 54,000 men and many more wounded.  When the men came home, the anti-war nuts literally would throw shit at them, spit on them, and disgrace them.  So it’s no wonder that a few National Guardsmen snapped and shot a couple of these assholes.  If you ask me, they should’ve just rounded up all the hippies and killed them.  Those men lived, breathed, and died for this country, and you dare disgrace them?  Then again, the government fucked a lot of them over.  Testing drugs like LSD, and such on them and never set aside jobs for them for when they returned, like they did after World War 2.  



        The main thing that war showed the world was we weren’t invincible.  Then it just kept going downhill from there.  And honestly, if that war had not been run by the government, and by the military like it should have, it probably would’ve been over in a week.  It’s not all bad though, at least we got napalm out of the deal.  The ultimate fat burner: Napalm, and Agent Orange.



A teacher of mine asked our class in sixth grade, “Why do you people need so much blood in movies?”  Considering our war like country, it helps.  You know in the old westerns, a guy would be shot, grabs his chest in pain, and he was dead.  Bullshit, doesn’t work that way in real life.  We have blood, gore, and people with their intestines hanging out, with a dog chewing on them while the dude is screaming in pain because he landed on his bayonet and it went up his ass side ways, and everything else we have in movies is to prepare us for what we will see, hear, feel, smell, and taste in war.  I figured he’d no this, since he was in Vietnam, guess he was in charge of the chow hall, or just a captain. Granted though, it won’t make us use to seeing friends laying there, dead.  That’s what Los Angelus gangs wars are for.  



Then I thought to myself, hey… why don’t we just have them go over there and start the battle.  You know, get them used to the turf, study the areas that would be best for hits, and have them a couple of Cadillac’s and watch the fun.  Uzi’s, blunts, heroine needles, coke, blood, tits, hoes, and dead asses everywhere.  I think it would work the best, since they really don’t care who they kill or how, the perfect killing machines; all they’re missing then is Marine training.



Everything is a disease now, and no cures are in sight.  No more stupid people, just minimal acceptance; no one is nervous now, they have Ritalin for that.  No one is going through a down phase, they have depression, Prozac or Zoloft is the answer.  Everyone is now apart, in one way or another, of the pill popping nation. Go drugs!  This is because doctors need more money for their Porches or Beamers, they need new golf clubs, and to pay off gambling debts.



I’m not saying that we don’t need pills, there are things out there you do need medication for.  But handing out some kind of odd named drug to someone who fidgets,  and is easily nervous about something that will mean absolutely nothing (say tests in school), all of a sudden, they have ADD.  But then you look at Mike Tyson, and realize, Zoloft is not enough, he needs to be on fucking morphine, or something that will calm his ass down… say weed, or such.  



Sometimes I question doctors though, and nurses.  Like this interesting story of a nurse that had to go get blood for a patient, (operation, he was a bleeder), so she went to get the blood, and thought it was a little chilly, so she threw it into a microwave, and nuked it!  When they put it into the guy, he died instantly… well, no shit! What kind of retards, are letting these people near patients!? Have they lost their fucking minds?! And people wonder why I don’t go to the doctor.  I don’t trust them, it’s guess work in a fucking white coat, why else do you think they wear masks?  The answer: to hide behind false statements.



I have solved man’s greatest question about women.  Hear me out on this, or I’ll shove a red-hot poker up your nose, and play with your boiling brain matter, that seems to be oozing out of your ears already.  Probably just be easier to kick you in the crotch, but I have found the answer to what women mean when they say, ”let’s just be friends.” It’s not friends, lower case; it’s F.R.I.E.N.D.S.  



        It is a code word, which means: Friendly Resident of your Indigenous Environment that you Never Date while you’re Sober.  So, if you have any plans on dating someone who says this to you.  Might as well, put a bullet through your thick, empty skull and move on to your next let down.  Which is scheduled almost immediately when you wake up, and realize there are two fats chicks lying on each side of you, and they both roll for the center of the bed.  In other words, you are so fucked, that you don’t realize it yet.  



Relationships are a dime a dozen, some of them do last, and I am proud of those people able to make it work.  My luck runs the other way though, down the upward spiral of lost love, hope, and tranquility.  But you know what, fuck it.  I have had a lot of good sex in my life, and I’ll be damned if I don’t keep having awesome sex until my dick falls off from too much use, or from cock rot, depends on where I’m having sex really.



Now, I will explain governments, bare with me, I know what the fuck I am talking about. First, to list the different types, for those who don’t know this; trust me, it’s more people than you think.  The list goes as follows:

Democracy

Socialism

Communism

Dictatorship

Monarchy

Anarchy



Democracy: supposedly the best form of government in the world.  Everyone has a say of what goes on, the power to lead is divided evenly, and allows the economy to flux as it wills.  But, as any other form of government, people still ruin it for everyone else.  Money influences our leaders, so we fucked over by the upper 1% of this country, politicians are corrupt, and idiots are almost always elected into office.  I say almost because there have been some good leaders; the last one to be in office was about 60 years ago though.  Good luck finding consistency in politics, shit just doesn’t happen like that.  Also, some governments in this form are either too free, or the people living under it abuse their freedoms, and take it for granted.  I still say we are under a dictatorship, but if that got out, they might put a hit on me, or just break into my house and beat the fuck out of me with a lead pipe.



Socialism: not too many followers under this, but hey, whatever works.  It’s kind of a mix between communism and democracy, that’s why we are half-way fine with it.  Not really too much to say about it though, it’s fairly decent.



Communism: hurry! My communist weekend-privilege card comes in handy with this government.  Communism is sort of a dictatorship, but not.  One man usually leads, but has a staff to advise with.  You know, hang out at the mall, score a pizza, fuck hookers, the usual.  Everyone is paid and treated equally, which the pay part is a down side, since the economy never changes.  Other than that; and the Tienenemin Square incident, it’s not so bad (help me! I have a gun to my head!  It’s horrible!  Quick, save before it’s too la…).



Dictatorship: something we live by.  One man rules, and if you don’t like it, tough shit, you’re going to like it or die!  I like that idea, but it can be a little extreme.  People considered us a dictatorship when F.D.R. was in the White House for 4 term periods, I say that yeah it was, but hey we got a lot of shit accomplished because of it; and isn’t that what counts?  I mean, we got out of the depression, cleaned up the mid-western states so they were habitable, got into W.W.2, kicked, ass, chewed bubble gum, and even came up with the polio vaccine.  A little late when we did, but hey, you can’t save everyone.  F.D.R. found that one out the hard way, but at least he had some fun before he went.  One of our best Presidents, and he was stuck in a wheel chair, power to the crippled!



        Not all dictatorships are nice though, here are two examples:  Adolf Hitler, and Mussolini.  Need I say more?  If I do, please put this down, go into your bedroom, lock the door, cry, and put your head completely in front of the shotgun, thank you for playing this game called life, you fucking Nazi cocksucker!



Now, monarchy: A king, a queen, prince, princess, and royal jester, juggling his toy balls, while his balls were one this line. Stupid ideological ideas; that came along back in the day, the British and French Revolutions are proof that it doesn’t work.  End of story, fuck the Queen of England!



Anarchy: the endless struggle and hope for death.  Well, chaos, that’s it.  It will never work, you’d have to organize and that defeats the purpose of chaos.  Plus, if it was pure chaos, what would stop me from slitting your throat, and fucking the open hole?  Nothing: you jackass.  



        The world we live in today is a dangerous place, and unwilling to go forward in the evolutionary chain to be hospitiable and curdious to a fellow man.  Curdious being this day, is after they beat the fuck out of someone is that they steal their wallet, shoot them in the head, then fuck them in the ass.  



        With so many unwilling to move past this area in life, we seem to slip backwards.  And who says history doesn't repeat itself?  Honestly, look around; same shit, different year, different leader.  Garbage in, garbage out.  The best our country can do, doesn't it make you want to puke?  You can't blame the politians, they came from our society, so what does that say about us?  The public sucks, and there is no hope left. Fuck hope, it's dead, guess who? You.