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My group counseling required me to complete a relapse prevention plan or paper for alcoholism and then later revise it so this isn't a poem, but I presented this last week, 3/5/12:

Specific examples of how my thinking has changed before my last relapse include my ability to convince myself it’s okay to use alcohol to self medicate when I have had a bad day, I’m not in control of my emotions (angry or sad) or I “need” it to sleep better—even knowing it will only bring me lower as far as emotions and drinking large amounts brings my immune system down, welcoming sickness of any and all kinds. By allowing myself to think like this, I originally thought I’m directly not taking others into consideration; however, I feel I need to focus on the consequences to myself and not so much what others think or say as this only becomes a new frustration that I will most likely act out on. Like “don’t tell me what to do, I am in control of my life and my actions.” Typically, I would begin isolating myself away from friends and family, losing contact, not answering my phone or texts. By opening myself up to my friends and family, making a real effort, I’m seeing improvement in myself and my day-to-day moods. I feel like I have support versus previously resenting “being talked down to” or “scolded” or “Em… you know better.” I once told a quote to a good friend of mine that says “I can't choose direction for you in this journey, but I can walk beside you and help you up when you need it.” And I finally feel embraced and cling to my hope this continues.
I need structure, to say I don’t like change is somewhat of an understatement ‘cause I’m good at picking up the pieces and telling myself things are alright and making a new plan but if I have structure to each day, week and the weekends—even if it’s simply “I’m going to totally relax, rest & watch movies all weekend…” I can make it through. It’s the “on a whim” decisions where something fell through or I get extremely bored, I think about drinking. If I have a list of things to fall back on, it’s easier. But I feel some things cannot be avoided and past problems such as break ups or financial issues have been dropped lower on the risk list. I can find no resolution to dealing with loved ones passing away or the sadness of the ugly world that we live in. I can only convince myself to talk about any current issues I have on my mind, which usually makes me feel better by not holding it all in and internalizing it. If I internalized it all, I would turn back to my old ways of needing to take the pain from the inside and bring it to the outside. Continued counseling of some sort will be beneficial to me.
When I experience urges or cravings to act out, I need to distract myself. Right now, that’s usually cleaning, reading and I hope to incorporate more physical exercise (walks, bike riding—once we get the bikes together and out of storage, camping or hiking when the weather is warmer, bowling, laser tag get-togethers, gaming) and we’re good about having a movie night or a once in a while “eating out” treat to ourselves.
I still feel that if I were to return to my addiction I would lose all that I’ve gained: a wonderful job, financially better than I have been in years and the respect I have from my loved ones would all be diminished ‘cause they can only handle so much.
I have done well so far with my IOP treatment goals: improved health by losing 10-15 lbs since December 1st by upping my water intake and eating on a more regularly basis, even if it’s just a piece of fruit, cereal bar, soup or whatever is better than nothing at all and binging when I get home. Also keeping consistent health insurance & continuing medications as instructed. Improving my finances, I’ve continued to budget and improved my plan so much that I will be able to file my bankruptcy at the end of July, pay back the state for overpayment of unemployment and then pay back $4300 to my mom by October. October is also when the lease for our bedroom ends and we will be able to start looking for a place of our own. I’ve been improving social relationships, also improving recreation (more me & fun time) by asking friends to Saturday breakfast dates, movie nights at the theatre or at our place or theirs, visiting my mom more often and trying to visit friends from Utah County more often as well. I originally had Rape Recovery counseling listed as a goal and felt it would stop me from having a companion, friends, etc. But my anxiety has lessened so much so I can see myself being more open to a personal relationship now that I’ve been able to focus on myself for a while, (maybe not tomorrow, but soon). I want to rebuild my credit, eventually start looking for a house to buy, be able to function without medication and ultimately continue my path to peace with myself & always keep in mind my mom’s request to “remember who you are and what you stand for.”