PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

                             Tilt

        (October 22, 2017/8:48-9:39 a.m.)

(Artifice line added 10/29/17 at 5:26 pm)

• My body of work is bipolar. 
• As opposite as lunar and solar. 
• One minute vainglorious and self-aggrandizing. 
• Then the pendulum swings to self-deprecating without my realizing. 
• I can’t seem to find middle ground, a place of even footing and balance. 
• I suppose equilibrium just isn’t one of my talents. 
• So I’m doomed to forever being off kilter. 
• Seeing life through a disorienting filter. 
• The trick of it is not letting other people see. 
• Putting on a face, hiding the real me. 
• The outside world thinks I have it all together. 
• And I’m good at it—I can make them see lace when in reality I’m leather.
• Or when it’s necessary, the opposite could be true. 
• Whatever it takes to shift the focus off of me and onto you. 
• So I continue to play the part of what has come to be expected. 
• Anything to keep my damaged psyche protected. 
• Because what happens if when my true self is detected,
• What I fear most comes to pass and she—that is me—is totally rejected?
• I’ve done the cost/benefit analysis, and it’s not worth it; that’s a risk I just can’t take. 
• So though it may be exhausting, I’ll continue being a fake. 
• Well, fake is such a harsh word as it implies deliberate insincerity. 
• But that’s not the case at all, it’s just safer sometimes to hide behind temerity. 
• Because if I show timidity, the world will rip me apart. 
• That’s why I conceal that me with laughter and brashness, and keep a wall around my heart. 
• The few times I’ve dropped my guard have taught me that the results just leave me pained. 
• Wounded to the point of nausea—spiritually, physically and emotionally drained.
• And yet you’d never know it, and I’ll never let you see. 
• I’ll always leave a question mark where a period should be. 
• Don’t take it personal, this is just what I have to do to be able to survive. 
• It’s the law of self-preservation, and like everyone else, I’m just trying to stay alive. 
• So don’t get too comfortable with the sad, don’t be certain of the sorrow. 
• Because besides death and taxes, the other sure thing is that my story could be different tomorrow. 
• You’ll never know if it’s artifice,
• Or if you’re really seeing the art of this. 
• And if per chance you feel that I’ve shown my hand and revealed a vulnerable spot,
• Don’t forget that I’ve grown so adept at this role, that even I don’t know anymore whether I’m acting or not.