Author Information
He Finally Got To-Get-Her
Long term
I can’t see
Lost to the past
Captured in memory
Flailing amidst the roar
Of my own surf tormented shore
Drowning in the sea
Of a painful memory
I can’t breathe
Love is like oxygen
So pump me full of air
Then whisper in my ear
A spell that casts away my fear
Whisk me away with your magick
So my eyes are crystal clear
Lift me up into
You’re heaven
A place, when together we both are near
Then hold me with the jaws of death
For life can be no better than with your breath
You caught me before I fell from the sky
And now we can watch the stars cross
Instead of collide
For I am saved with you by my side
I once was lost
But now I am found
By one who never made a sound
And I can't wait to be the one
To tell you our life together has just begun.
The first thing I noticed is that even though you are writting about something good in your life you still have to mention the bad. You are forever lost to those days, as is he. Then I noticed that you did something that all good writters do, actually according to my professor all writters do, you barrowed an idea. I barrowed the exact same idea for one of my poems but I split the line and changed it so much that i'm not sure which poem it ended up in. Then all the sudden the entire mood of the poem changes from sad memories of the past to happy thoughts of the present. Second to last line, you say can instead of can't, unless you meant to do that? Who ever he is, he's one lucky guy. I hope this is a better critique than usual, because I know I hardly ever say anything about the structure and style of the piece.
I like this poem a lot. I can't quite pinpoint what it is about it that appeals to me, but it is very truthful and it possesses a simplicity of emotion that allows it to fit neatly into your mind and feelings. I love the rhyme scheme also - it adds a lot to the piece. Great stuff!
Nathaniel