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2003-06-08 priority of love

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Book: Castle View

i realize now
that i will never
be loved
by you
like
i want
to be love
by you...
or, i will never
feel loved
by you
like i want
to be loved
by you

 

not really second
never really first
in your
priority of love.

the rightness of
this priority
is not lost
upon me
i understand
not
the mother
never
the wife
in affairs
of the heart
we are past
all that
we are beyond
all that.

 

not quite two
sometimes
the first
in the priority of love

but an understanding

now
of the need
to wed
to belong
to reproduce
to stand
in a line
with your offspring
and be
the object of your
affection
through the blood
of your children

 

Certainly not second
but not really first
but even in your
priority of love.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I now understand the bond of children.  I once knew a man that faulted me for not loving him enough to make him a priority over my children.  And he was right I did not love him enough for that to occur.  Now I am in the same position and would never ask for that from a father...but it hurts to know he will never love you like he would have loved you if you had been the children's mother... the things we lose in this martial shuffle board that we never knew we would lose.  I used the small I at the beginning because this feeling of not being loved as I wanted to be loved made me feel small and the small i showed that insignificance.  Is this a serious relationship or a joyous rapture?  At this stage (in his life) is a serious relationship a necessity since more children are not likely, rather impossible.

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last updated 21 November 2018 - 4:47am
©8 June 2003 - 11:47pm — djtj
15 October 2003 - 11:21pm — vjochum
vjochum's picture

God Debbie this is a tough one to swallow. I heard you clearly. i have faced the same situation.