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Sex! Sex!! Sex!!! Isn’t that what life’s all about? I know that’s been my experience so far. My Father boasted about his exploits with several women after he left my Mother, my brother thought sex so important he made sure to lose his virginity before 13, not to mention that just about every book, song, movie, and TV show refers to something sexual whether explicitly or implicitly. The message was clear and it was coming from every direction, sex was among the world’s most desirable things, right up there with wealth and power. This is something that everyone must experience!
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I’m sure you’ve run into the philosophy that you’re not truly a man or a woman until you’ve lost your virginity, that the actual physical act of sex makes you more complete somehow. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t buy it. However my opinion doesn’t count on this subject because I’m in the camp of people who are virgins, and at 26 let me tell you it feels??? I could say lame, could describe myself as pathetic or dysfunctional, and I’m definitely embarrassed, but the word that feels the most accurate at the moment is frustrated, and not for the reasons you might first think.
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Sex scares me. Expressing myself through physical affection is an enigma wrapped in turmoil. Let me paint a picture of my progression of physical expression. Did you hug your friends growing up? When did you start to hug on a regular basis? I started to occasionally hug my friends in high school, mainly one person who I became close to. Speaking of high school, isn’t that when you are supposed to lose your virginity? Well that one person I was close to exchange several hugs, a few quick kisses, and one incredibly awkward attempt at making out. That’s it. We never made it past first base, we never even cuddled. Fast forward through about the next eight years after high school, in that time for a multitude of reasons I didn’t date, have a friend with benefits, or someone to simply cuddle and hug. Talk about touch starved. Then I find Fet, find some friends, and they’re a bunch of beautiful kinky bastards, and I finally have friends I can hug and even cuddle with! I don’t know if it’s unique or how many others may have been through something similar but I find it extraordinary that I didn’t get to enjoy any of this for the first twenty-five years of my life. Now here I am in my local community, and yea experience levels vary from person to person, but when it comes to sex I feel like Pluto, icy and alone, circling the outside, and whether or not it’s true, it feels like everyone else is hanging out in the inner planets, some are even dancing on the sun.
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I’ve written at length about being trans and how that’s shaped me, so I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about it here, but there is something I need to say about being trans and a virgin. There are MtF trans who enjoy their penis or at the least haven’t let it hold them back sexually, and I can’t tell you how much I wish I was part of that group. I’ve accepted that I have one (for now!) but I don’t enjoy it, when I do get sexually turned on it’s always a delicate balance of shame and pleasure, sometimes I can barely handle that when alone, so the thought of someone else witnessing this is beyond terrifying. The truth of the matter is my potential partners are probably more okay with me having a penis then I am, and I have no idea how to feel about that. When someone express attraction for me I automatically feel like a disappointment, like I’ve already failed them because I don’t have a vagina. I know not very logical at all, and if I’m being honest I’m not fooling anyone about being trans or not. Still I would want any of my lovers to know this, to at least give them an inkling of what’s going on in my head when the opportunity or thought of sex arises. Obviously all this has made me incredibly insecure when it comes to all things sexual
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Being a virgin isn’t as rare as I once thought, I recently read (forgive me I cannot for the life of me remember where) an article about a man in his 30’s or 40’s who was still a virgin and by sharing his story he inspired several other’s to confess their virginity at such late ages. There were several, men and women, some of them sixty plus. While it was nice to hear I’m not alone in blooming late or perhaps not blooming at all, it was also very depressing at the same time. A lot of these people in their confessions implied or admitted that they’d given up on ever having sex. The reason it’s depressing because I could relate far more than I ever wanted to, I have found myself thinking the same things at times, it’s actually kind of comforting the idea of giving up. BUT!!! That’s why I’m writing this now, despite my despair there’s a significant part of me that doesn’t wish to give up. There’s still a romantic in me somewhere who dreams about long passionate kisses, sex so intense it stirs the soul, and to just have another that I feel emotionally and physically secure with. Yea, yea, I know it’s cliché, in a lot of ways those feelings are too idealistic or fantastical to ever be realistic, but I can’t fully let them go. Also I know not everyone approaches sex with that mindset, and if I ever reach a place where I am experienced there’s a decent chance I would lose at least some of this. So here I am, a twenty-six year old virgin trans girl who is stuck between wanting to experience some genuine physical affection and all the insecurities and shame that has piled up over the years, and all that’s okay, it’s my path, my journey, but I’m really hoping to progress that as I continue to gain confidence and evolve within my community I find those special people I can connect with.