Sensitive

I’ve always been considered a sensitive person and most my life I’ve hated that about myself. As a kid it didn’t take much to upset me and I had a hard time remaining cool and composed (still kinda do) I was quick to cry when upset, didn’t matter what I was feeling scared, angry, sad I can’t keep my eyes dry. I’ve been called several things because of it: wimp, crybaby, sissy, and my personal favorite “stop being such a girl.” My Dad tried to toughen me up, told me I needed to be a man and I didn’t know why at the time but that just wasn’t in me. Maybe because of all this I have a skewed perspective on whether I really am sensitive or not but after starting a transition and being flooded with hormonal changes and all the experiences that caused I’ve come to accept that I’m probably more sensitive than the average person.
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I hate how my emotions are in control more than the rational, logical part of my brain. How books, movies, people, and stories can make me feel so much, sometimes to the point where I have to retreat and try to process everything running through my head in a quiet place alone. I remember when I found out I was an INFP and I was like “yep, that’s me overly emotional, overly sensitive to everything external, always chasing a feeling and its meaning.” See the worse part of being like this is the affect people have on me. If I’m interested in you in any way I’m going to read everything I can about you and how you react to me, unless you’re especially stoic I’m going to be one of the first people to notice something is different with you or your mood, for better or worse. If I like you, have any sort of trust in you, you have the power to tear me down in an instant and you’ll probably do so without even realizing it. Communication is important for an infinity of reasons, but with me if I don’t feel like I can communicate with you about whatever just happened and why I reacted so than I become reserved, afraid to get hurt any further. This sometimes makes me come off as snobbish, stand-off-ish, rude, or just a plain bitch. And most the time that person can correct my internal devastation just as easily as they caused it. I hate it. How people make me so happy, so sad, so angry, or so scared, it’s like I have no control over myself.
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Here lately though I’m trying to see the positives of being like this, how being this receptive could make me a good friend, a good lover, a good person. Yea there are going to be people who don’t want to deal with all this and all my emotions and I don’t blame them, there’s been several times I wish I didn’t have to deal with it. Still if someone is willing to “deal with me” there’s a chance we could develop a complex connection, one that would be deeper than most and could be very rewarding for us both. That’s what I want most deep complex relationships that have no room for the superficial, I want to feel an intimacy with that other person whether it’s platonic or not, to be understood, to do my best to understand them, to let them know they are valued and cherished and to feel the same in return. So I might cry more than I want, might hate how things beyond my control can carry me to places I might not want to go, but in the end maybe it’s a good thing I’m like this.

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Poets Are Sensitive

To all the conditions and interactions between humans. Turned to literature, a cause for celebrating ego and esteem. I  know I'm great, my plaques and awards say so. It is time to be great again. During covid, people need direction and a map to rise above the scourge of pandemic that will be ariund a long time. Self esteem us self generated for me, and I smile and go do some good!  :D



Onyamaichi