PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

1. How it all began. I never have pinpointed a catalyst, and I know it isn’t as simple as I just woke up like this one day, but it would be nice to know how all this started. Maybe there’s a lesson there to learn, or maybe one I’ll never grasp.

2. How it ebbs and flows. I have days where I play red rover red rover can my emotions come over. I go through a period of not feeling anything then I’m struck by everything all at once. Lonely, angry, upset, ashamed, fighting a need to punish myself. No one wants to feel like a plethora of clichés all at once.

3. How depression can leave me saying too much or nothing at all. There are days depression and I go dancing and I’ll say anything that crosses my mind, then there are days of silence, days where when I wake up in the morning I know the night is going to be bad.

4. How unpredictable it is. I never schedule my breakdowns, never learned how to read their clockwork. Sometimes I come prepared, I realize what I’m fighting, and other times…it catches me so swiftly that I find myself in the most desperate of states.

5. What makes it go away. Some days I read, sometimes I sleep all day or don’t at all, I either eat too much or avoid food like the plague. Other times I drink, even knowing how damaging that might end up. Me on my bathroom floor crying and cutting.

6. Why I can’t just be happy. Anybody who’s had a long session of depression definitely wants it to go away. Still there are people who approach the topic like “why haven’t you just tried to enjoy life” trust me I’m trying. If it was as simple as flipping a switch I would of done it long ago.

7. Why if I’m so lonely does pushing people away come so naturally. I am on the verge of melting down because I feel like no one sees me, and here I am setting up obstacles courses on the path to meet me. I possess a fear of rejection so strong I avoid the mere possibility of it.

8. Why am I like this. I once heard somebody describe depression like a virus of negative thoughts that attack your brain, that definition was too perfect. The thoughts that cross my mind, they leave me asking what is wrong, they snowball until they’re an avalanche. After enough time you can’t help but believe this is your fault.

9. Who would want to put up with me like this. No one is describing me as a positive force, no one wants to tune into depressed central 24/7, no one is thinking that I can turn it around.

10. When will it end. I keep thinking if I do this or that, or met him or her, I’d be okay, I’d be some kind of content or happy, but what if I’m not. What if I get all those things I think I want and still it doesn’t stop.