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I have no respect for myself anymore. Nothing. Look at me, aren't I just ugly? Look at how ugly I am. Not only am I ugly, but I'm useless to. I look as useless as I feel. I thought I was something for 28 hours, I thought I could do it but I already fucked up like usual. I know everyone's trying to help me out, but don't they understand? If I know you're trying to help me out, that means I need help, and if I need help that means I can't do something for myself, which means, I am useless by myself. So tough and vigilant. Yet...I wish I could beat the fuck out of myself, cause I am just so fucking stupid sometimes and its only after its too late do I look at myself as I do and say these things do I realize how fucked up I am. My life was great, great friends, great girlfriend, great family....but I go out of my way to fuck EVERYTHING up. Fuck. Am I crazy? Do I like to see myself fail, is my mom right? She thinks I only feel like a failure in front of Trishas eyes, but truth is in front of my mom...I KNOW I'm a failure, and that's even worse. Anyone would be lucky to get a mom like mine, but guess what, I fucked that up too. I fucked up my education, my friends...and my family. Everyone is falling all around me, too many people to pick up off the ground that I think I've broken my back trying to help. I just wish I had a second chance, they don't believe me because I fucked up so many times before but I was so determined this time, I got a glimpse of what I wanted but it was too late, they say you learn from your mistakes, but what if the mistake was too late? A guy holding a gun against his head thinking he has nothing left in the world, pulls the trigger and gets a glimpse of how everyone elses lives are effected due to his death. He learns people need him living...but his lifeless body has already hit the floor. Just wishing I could hug my great grandmother one more time, or play that last game of soul calibur with Alec....so many regrets....not enough reconciliation. I've been trying so hard to find my new Alec, so hard to find someone to replace his gap, the one that hurts more then anything imagineable. He picked me up everytime I did something stupid...BUT WHY DID HE LEAVE ME. Why did he think I could do this without him. I need him more then anything, best friends are suppose to move away and keep in touch, not die. He wasn't aloud to. He just wasn't. I wish it was me sometimes, just to see how he would take it. He never told me how depressed he was, or about the drugs he was secretly doing. So I took up everything he did. I came to my sense only cause I saw him in another friend, but I don't think I can stop him either. Who knows....maybe someday I'll be right.