Author Information
Jealousy
Folder:
RORY
Hark!
Is that love I see?
It cannot be,
For surely you foreswore it
years ago?
You said to me,
I cannot love.
I do not understand.
And yet, you have found her
Nestled in the crook of your heart.
Smiling and filling in those voids
I often tried to fix.
Is this karma at it's best?
Or is this at test?
Because
Truly; Jealousy would be
a very fitting way for me
To die.
This would be a better piece
This would be a better piece if it was not rhymed. The problem most amateurs have in their attempts to write poetry is that they believe "real" poetry has to read like a greeting card. To rhyme correctly one should attempt to be creative. This piece is an example of a poor grasp of poetry. "Be-me" types of rhymes only end up sounding trite. I'd suggest both reading PUBLISHED (in real books) poetry to gain this understanding. The very least of what poetry is is rhme schemes. Poetry is first and formost about expression. Form matters. Metre matters. Flow matters. Also, try to avoid archaic and/or cumbersome words. "Hark", for example. Another would be "foreswore". Used in this poem they just sound silly and out of place. You're onto a good idea here, but this poem needs revision.
There, is that constructive enough for you?
:P very much so.
:P very much so.