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The burdens of a track star
Everyone was waiting to be told what to do. The cops were all over the place asking questions and creating havoc, but we stood there obediently, waiting our turn to answer questions we didn´t know the answers to. Did you see anything? Why would she do this? Was she under a lot of stress? Did you know she was sad?
This last question threw me for a loop. Did I know she was sad? It seemed so ridiculous because she was the sweetest, happiest person I knew, and happy people don´t do away with themselves. I kept trying to tell them that there was no way she would´ve done this on purpose, that she loved her dad and sisters, that she had a life and that she wanted a family of her own one day.
Dear daddy, please forgive me. I know you´ve tried to help me but I just cannot keep living with this empty feeling inside. I really have tried to be happy but it is such a burden and I´m so tired. I have no other choice.
I had seen her ealier in the hallway while I was walking to class. “Hey”, I yelled out, “walk home together?” She turned around and gave a thumbs up, then slipped into her classroom before I could say anything else. I could hear her throaty laughter behind the door as I passed by. Why hadn´t she ever told me she was so unhappy?
Since mama died I´ve felt so guilty and it has been killing me. I cry to God at night to help me but it doesn´t work, so I feel there isn´t anything else for me to do.
We were very close friends and were both on the college track team together. She was terrific at most sports, had straight A´s and some social activities even though she was sort of shy. I just couldn´t believe it. No way someone like that, with everything going for her would just throw herself off a building. And anyway, she was a Catholic, and wasn´t killing yourself a huge no-no?
I´ve tried to keep very busy but I can´t stop these thoughts. Everywhere I look I see death and it seems to be looking for me. I think it will be a relief to let it come and take me. Then I can be with mama and I won´t feel so alone.
“So how well did you know her?” the cop asked? Did you see this coming?
“Absolutely not!”, I answered. “We were good friends and I´m certain there must be some mistake. She was such a happy go-lucky girl!”
