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Cracks in the Wall
I walk amongst you, enjoying your smiles, your hugs and jokes.
A place in my heart loves you each, one and all.
I feel joy at your friendship, and the warmth, you share with me.
It often gives me the boost through the lonely days.
Where all is rain in my world, so often grey.
Every hug and joke, is balm to the wound, yet it never closes, never heals.
I watch you all and listen, as is often my way.
I smile on cue, sometimes even mean it. I go out, I see and attempt to feel.
A part, of something, part of the party or the crowd.
Watching you all, friends with friends, strangers becoming new ones.
And I feel the cracks snnking down the wall, as I yearn for what I never knew.
Always outside looking in, broken and fearing the warmth of your light.
Light reveals everything, hideousness that the dark accepts without complaint.
Half a person, half a soul, never really knowing, just how to fix.
That which life and god, severed from the rest.
Aching for the light, fearful of long feared sights, just steps away.
Yearning for what looks so easy, always holding back, so afraid.
Of you seeing, of you rejecting, all the little flaws.
That are the flaking cracks, in this broken down, in this breaking wall.
I smile and I joke, my eyes as oft alive as dead.
And I yearn.
For the everything, you all take for granted, that I can never reproduce.
And I ache.
To be more than this shell, this broken thing, so far from grace.
And I die inside, every time.
For shame of all that I am not, everytime, I cannot meet your welcoming gaze.
